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Hundreds of years into the future, when war erupts between a terrorist organization and all the countries of the world, a naive, talented, orphan, unknowingly made to kill, is dragged into the war and forced to confront the harsh realities of war by piloting a deadly machine to bring peace to the world while protecting the ones who are important to him.
Agreed with Dkpough1 and DPG, this is too long and wordy for a logline. Think economy and plot, how can you describe the minimum story critical plot points with the least number of words. Secondly adding to the above comments, the twist of the terrorist turning out to be freedom fighters or the "gooRead more
Agreed with Dkpough1 and DPG, this is too long and wordy for a logline.
Think economy and plot, how can you describe the minimum story critical plot points with the least number of words.
Secondly adding to the above comments, the twist of the terrorist turning out to be freedom fighters or the “good guys” can work in the story but not the logline. Best not to make the plot or motivations of any character or group vague in a logline in the hopes of hinting at a twist.
Most terrorists think they are freedom fighters so no need to describe them as such either in future drafts of the logline.
See lessAfter being pressured by the cops to turn informant a teen is sent on a run by her drug dealer boss, who is holding her younger sister, knowing this run will get her killed.
The logline is confusing which reflects a potential problem in the story, additionally?the basic logic at the base of the premise is flawed - If she will die at as a result of her last run then, how does she know the boss will set her sister free? I believe?the concept needs re thinking especially iRead more
The logline is confusing which reflects a potential problem in the story, additionally?the basic logic at the base of the premise is flawed – If she will die at as a result of her last run then, how does she know the boss will set her sister free?
I believe?the concept needs re thinking especially if you are still structuring the plot.
It looks as if the inciting incident is her boss kidnapping the sister, best to use this as the powerful motivator and drop the rest.
More detail is needed but here is a good start:
See lessAfter her drug dealing boss kidnaps her sister, a drug mule must do one last run in order to save her sister’s life.
After uncovering a conspiracy plotted by the king a Templar is forced to intervene in the king’s plot before it leads to civil war.
The logline has evolved well over the course of this thread. I think it is now clear that the inciting incident is the discovery of the plot, perhaps then place it at the start of the logline instead of at the end? E.g: After he discovers a plot, a templar knight must uncover a traitor in the king oRead more
The logline has evolved well over the course of this thread.
I think it is now clear that the inciting incident is the discovery of the plot, perhaps then place it at the start of the logline instead of at the end?
E.g:
After he discovers a plot, a templar knight must uncover a traitor in the king of Jerusalem’s ranks to prevent the outbreak of war.
I added in that he needs to find a traitor to specify how he will prevent the war.
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