1. Posted: March 1, 2016In:

    A retired undefeated boxing champion William leads a simple life after losing all his money and a former boxing champion Michael insults him in a live press conference which leads the battle between their sons as they become rivals. The outcome of the battle leads Michael to challenge William to fight him in the ring and he accepts it.

    Best Answer
    Neer Shelter Singularity

    The main character's identity is not clear. This story could be about either one of the former boxing champs or either one of their sons. You need to pick one of the four characters you currently have in your logline and re draft the logline to focus on him achieving a goal, otherwise the logline doRead more

    The main character’s identity is not clear.

    This story could be about either one of the former boxing champs or either one of their sons. You need to pick one of the four characters you currently have in your logline and re draft the logline to focus on him achieving a goal, otherwise the logline doesn’t describe a plot.

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  2. Posted: March 3, 2016In:

    After discovering his friend has joined the illuminati in order to become a famous rapper, a timid pothead must go undercover as an aspiring actor, in order to infiltrate and disband the secret society, and in doing so learns that in order to defeat the outside forces of the world, he must first defeat his own ego.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Agreed with DPG.There is a problem in the concept of this logline, but otherwise it is too long, contains too many details and the character flaw (ego driven) is introduced only at the end. Best to describe the main character and his or her flaw at the beginning of a logline, this way the reader canRead more

    Agreed with DPG.

    There is a problem in the concept of this logline, but otherwise it is too long, contains too many details and the character flaw (ego driven) is introduced only at the end. Best to describe the main character and his or her flaw at the beginning of a logline, this way the reader can clearly see how the MC’s characteristic will influence the action during the read.

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  3. Posted: March 4, 2016In:

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    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Phrases such as: "...unravel her own existence." Should not be used in a logline as they are vague and lack detail. The plot described in the logline seems disjointed, if she has dreams/nightmares about her father that doesn't mean she has to save him it could also mean he is harming her in her dreaRead more

    Phrases such as: “…unravel her own existence.”

    Should not be used in a logline as they are vague and lack detail.

    The plot described in the logline seems disjointed, if she has dreams/nightmares about her father that doesn’t mean she has to save him it could also mean he is harming her in her dreams. Best to describe the dreams as depicting her father being tortured or threatened rather than just generic dreams or nightmares.

    At the end of the logline she suddenly gets super powers, this comes out of nowhere and feels like a tacked on addition. Perhaps it would be better to describe her as a young magician, clairvoyant or witch to set up the fact she has powers but doesn’t know how to control them.

    Lastly best to specify a single outer-worldly creature she must fight, i.e a single antagonist and describe his or her unique ability other wise you run the risk of having a concept that is too similar to many others with super power bad guys.

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