1. Posted: December 5, 2018In:

    An aged out of foster care is victim of psychic attacks on his path to become rich in the city of poker while a group of magic bandids plot to heist the casino.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    What does "...an aged out of foster care..." mean? Clarity is important in a logline, and you can't afford to have one word out of place. Describe the psychic attacks instead of just stating that they take place. Otherwise, it's unclear what happens in this story. Best if you describe the first attaRead more

    What does “…an aged out of foster care…” mean?

    Clarity is important in a logline, and you can’t afford to have one word out of place.

    Describe the psychic attacks instead of just stating that they take place. Otherwise, it’s unclear what happens in this story.

    Best if you describe the first attack and use that as your inciting event.

    Lastly, becoming rich is rather superficial, is there another goal you could give the main character?

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  2. Posted: December 5, 2018In:

    When an FBI agent comes in contact with someone’s mind altering dark side, she must make to tough decision to kill him and end the monster’s destructive ways or face the consequences of her actions of letting him live.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Not sure if this got lost in translation... or was rushed in its writing, but this logline is confusing. What does "...comes in contact with someone's mind altering dark side..." mean? What does "...must make to tough decision..." mean? Which monster are you referring to? What destructive ways are yRead more

    Not sure if this got lost in translation… or was rushed in its writing, but this logline is confusing.

    What does “…comes in contact with someone’s mind altering dark side…” mean?

    What does “…must make to tough decision…” mean?

    Which monster are you referring to?

    What destructive ways are you referring to?

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  3. Posted: November 30, 2018In:

    This is my logline for a short from spanish to english

    Best Answer
    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Transport as in drive the body from the hospital or morgue to a funeral home? Or, transport as in an illegal activity of some sort?? If the former then I'm not sure what the story is - transport the body job done. If the latter, why would he agree to do the job? And why would the audience care aboutRead more

    Transport as in drive the body from the hospital or morgue to a funeral home? Or, transport as in an illegal activity of some sort?? If the former then I’m not sure what the story is – transport the body job done. If the latter, why would he agree to do the job? And why would the audience care about a character who agreed to work for such horrible people?

    Other than that, I would say the concept needs an event to compel the main character to need to take the job – other wise, it’s not clear why he MUST do what he does.

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