1. Posted: February 11, 2016In:

    On the verge of capture, Vera, a peevish teenage Jew, flees the Nazi invasion of her Romanian village and crosses paths with a British secret service agent who reluctantly mentors her after she learns of her family?s murder. When her mentor is exposed as a double agent, she launches a vicious global vendetta to bring Nazi war criminals to justice before they can disappear into post-WWII hiding.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    There was too much detail in the original logline and too few plot points mentioned. Richiev's cut-down version is a great improvement but still lacks a cause and effect relationship between the elements and a clearly defined goal. Considering the original post, is there one specific Nazi she is tarRead more

    There was too much detail in the original logline and too few plot points mentioned.

    Richiev’s cut-down version is a great improvement but still lacks a cause and effect relationship between the elements and a clearly defined goal.

    Considering the original post, is there one specific Nazi she is targeting in her global vendetta?? If so best to mention him or her as the one the MC is after, otherwise the story won’t have an end point.

    Secondly it would be best to have the target of her vendetta be the one responsible for her family’s death, this way the motivating connection between the inciting incident and goal is clear.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: February 9, 2016In:

    In a world where magic is controlled by a corrupt few, an outcast with elemental powers must join a rag tag group of well meaning historians to face a powerful magi and release control of magic back to the populace.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    The latest draft of the logline is a huge improvement.I suggest the following: After an evil sorcerer puts her father into a comma, an anti magic activist must usurp the magic hording leader of the ruling Mage council.The mention of an aging historian has little impact on the story, as the historianRead more

    The latest draft of the logline is a huge improvement.

    I suggest the following:
    After an evil sorcerer puts her father into a comma, an anti magic activist must usurp the magic hording leader of the ruling Mage council.

    The mention of an aging historian has little impact on the story, as the historian is an ally they don’t need to be in the logline.

    The lack of antagonist and the arbitrary nature of the inciting incident weakened the concept, therefore I added in an evil sorcerer as the cause. Also if she tries to over-through an entire class of people she would need to amass an army much like in the Hunger Games, unless that is described in the logline best to specify a single antagonist for her to fight against.

    The lack of inner journey made the story rather superficial, therefore I add a description of the MC as an anti magic person as it puts her in direct conflict with her external journey of searching for magic powers. This adds depth to her character and adds interest. Further to that, describing the MC as a “…rebellious freedom fighter…” is confusing, with out more detail it is unclear who or what she is rebelling against or what freedom and for whom she is fighting for.

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: February 9, 2016In:

    A young mechanic discovers the spaceship she stole from dry dock is capable of ending the civil war between organic and synthetic life forms, but first she must convince the on-board AI to choose a side.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    What Richiev said. Also convincing the AI to chose the correct side in the war is only a small part of the story, what happens after that? What is it the MC needs to achieve once she convinces the AI to help? This needs to be clearly described in the logline.

    What Richiev said.

    Also convincing the AI to chose the correct side in the war is only a small part of the story, what happens after that?

    What is it the MC needs to achieve once she convinces the AI to help? This needs to be clearly described in the logline.

    See less
    • 0