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After he?s hired on a potential bank fraud job,a budding young investigator discovers all clues lead to himself and must track down the impostor as his sworn enemy and former boss is hired on same.
Why is the bank fraud only a potential? Best to make it a bank fraud job and make the stakes higher with real criminals.The second half of the sentence has many grammar errors in it as well as a few logic flaw that make it hard to understand. Is the 'impostor' he must track down the one who committeRead more
Why is the bank fraud only a potential? Best to make it a bank fraud job and make the stakes higher with real criminals.
The second half of the sentence has many grammar errors in it as well as a few logic flaw that make it hard to understand.
Is the ‘impostor’ he must track down the one who committed the bank fraud? Did you mean the one who tried to incriminate him? If so best to specify this as there was no mention of identity theft prior to this in the logline. Secondly is his former boss his sworn enemy as well and is this the same person who is trying to incriminate him?
Does he need to clear his name, catch the real bad guy or stop his sworn enemy or boss?
The plot is unclear because of the confusing elements above, best to specify one antagonist and one goal.
See lessA private investigator must uncover the truth behind the murder of a rich doctor in a remote country mansion, but is perplexed by stories of a Welsh phantom haunting the residence.
Why must he uncover the truth? What is the inciting incident? The logline doesn't dramatize the motivating event that pushed the main character to do what he or she does. If all the main character is doing is their job then the story will be rather weak, is there an event out of the ordinary that haRead more
Why must he uncover the truth? What is the inciting incident?
The logline doesn’t dramatize the motivating event that pushed the main character to do what he or she does.
If all the main character is doing is their job then the story will be rather weak, is there an event out of the ordinary that happens to this investigator which propels them into the plot?
See lessThe true story from 1921 of Nellie Doherty who, after she is kicked off her work team, starts Australia’s first Ladies’ Rugby League. Nellie must overcome not only opposition from all sides but her own fury and anguish at the death of her star-player brother in the Great War.
No need to mention what the story is based on i.e true events, nor the name of the main character, rather best to describe the plot via the specific events that make it up. The logline raises a question, why must she overcome opposition? In other words, what is at stake? What is the worst thing thatRead more
No need to mention what the story is based on i.e true events, nor the name of the main character, rather best to describe the plot via the specific events that make it up.
The logline raises a question, why must she overcome opposition? In other words, what is at stake? What is the worst thing that will happen if she fails? Secondly and more importantly what is it she must achieve? According to the logline she started the first women’s only league, but then what? What is her objective goal after this?
Lastly the inciting incident is unclear.
See lessWhat does “…after she is kicked off her work team…” mean? Was she fired from work or was she kicked off a rugby team sponsored by her employer? I think you mean the latter, if so specify this in the logline as some readers could misunderstand that point.
However I don’t understand why this is such a strong motivator for the main character, why would getting kicked off the team make her need to set up a new women’s league? Couldn’t she just join another team?
Is there another reason with strong motivation for her to setup the new league instead? Perhaps something that makes it personal for her? Other wise the cause and effect connection between these events is vague.