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When a poor girl from Redfern learns her brother has died in the War, she must keep his memory alive by playing his favourite game- Rugby League. Trouble is, it’s 1921.
The first sentence in the logline is a long way of saying - After her brother is killed... Every word counts in a logline.The logline has a clear starting point and a powerful motivator - death of a sibling, however it doesn't describe a specific goal. What does playing his favorite game mean? PlayRead more
The first sentence in the logline is a long way of saying – After her brother is killed…
Every word counts in a logline.
The logline has a clear starting point and a powerful motivator – death of a sibling, however it doesn’t describe a specific goal. What does playing his favorite game mean? Play for 1 minute? 5 minutes? Win the grand final? What is the specific goal the main character has in her sight?
Secondly the logic that connects the inciting incident, motivation and goal is lost on me. Why must she play the game to keep his memory alive? Is there anything specific about her playing footy that will be clearly and directly connected to his memory? Perhaps she decides to hide his death from the game’s officials and then pose as her brother to get his name immortalized on the grand final trophy or sport hall of fame.
Lastly period pieces are much more expensive to produce and are less likely to get made, why not rewrite it in modern day? Unfortunately war, racism and sexism are still around.
See lessA faithless young girl is recruited into a war of witches and must believe in herself and magic enough to use a legendary wand to end the conflict.
Be wary of so called loglines found in abundance online, from IMDB to fan sites they will often contain misleading and poorly structured versions. For example the loglines above for Star Wars - A New Hope lack an inciting incident, a cause and effect relationship between the actions and plot objectiRead more
Be wary of so called loglines found in abundance online, from IMDB to fan sites they will often contain misleading and poorly structured versions. For example the loglines above for Star Wars – A New Hope lack an inciting incident, a cause and effect relationship between the actions and plot objectives and both have two goals.
The main character descriptions should directly relate to their inner journey and obstacle. I think the question was raised about this because faithless doesn’t imply a flaw that requires a hero’s journey to overcome. Your elaboration, that she must believe in herself, doesn’t relate to her having faith or not having faith, rather explains that she is plagued with self doubt. Perhaps best to change her flaw to self doubt instead of faithless.
The bigger question, in my mind, is why must she do what she does? In other words, what is the inciting incident that motivates her to go on this difficult journey? And to what end? What is her specific goal?
After Luke’s uncle and aunt were killed by the galactic empire, he went on an adventure to defeat Vader. What is the equivalent in your story?
See lessWhen two wealthy teenage brothers move into a small town, one of them tries to seduce a local girl. While the girl’s brother, after witnessing their strange behaviors such as acute sensitivity to sunlight and religious icons, lists the help of his friends to prove that the two brothers are Vampires in disguise.
Agreed with Richiev also better to specify a clear and challenging outer goal. If the main character is the new guy in town (suspected vampire) then his goal is to get the girl because he is in love with her, this is as appose to just seducing her. If the main character is the girl's brother then hiRead more
Agreed with Richiev also better to specify a clear and challenging outer goal.
If the main character is the new guy in town (suspected vampire) then his goal is to get the girl because he is in love with her, this is as appose to just seducing her. If the main character is the girl’s brother then his goal should be more than just to prove the guy is a vampire, perhaps he needs to run the new guy?out of town or kill him.
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