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REVISED VERSION: While investigating a mysterious murder, a hard-boiled investigative journalist risks his life to stop a corrupt government launching a genetically engineered weapon against an unsuspecting population.
Good point raised by DPG. I think the inciting incident could be used to clarify the nature of the weapon yet to be unleashed and who it will be used against. Currently the inciting incident doesn't relate to the goal, how does investigating a mysterious murder make a journalist need to stop a goverRead more
Good point raised by DPG.
I think the inciting incident could be used to clarify the nature of the weapon yet to be unleashed and who it will be used against. Currently the inciting incident doesn’t relate to the goal, how does investigating a mysterious murder make a journalist need to stop a government from using a weapon of mass destruction? It doesn’t, I suggest re thinking the event that started off the story and made the main character need to pursue the goal.
See lessA animal activist discovers human experiments not animal during a raid. She must survive murderous security to rescue a test subject and tell the world the truth.
It feels as if the goal doesn't match up to the inciting incident. In the best of stories the tension rises over the coarse of the plot, in this instance it doesn't read as such. Perhaps she needs to stop the bad guys herself instead of just telling the world the truth. Secondly "...must survive murRead more
It feels as if the goal doesn’t match up to the inciting incident. In the best of stories the tension rises over the coarse of the plot, in this instance it doesn’t read as such.
Perhaps she needs to stop the bad guys herself instead of just telling the world the truth.
Secondly “…must survive murderous security…” is too generic a description for her main action why not make her get involved as a test patient or apply for a job as a lab assist.
It would read better if there was a sadistic scientist she would be up against or any character to that matter with a disturbing tendency that can make them unique. The antagonist description will make her story more interesting and her challenge greater.
See lessIn a world where youth unemployment is the norm, a depressed teen looks for alternatives online but is subsumed by a social media hive-mind bent on the destruction of America?s most sacred institution: the mall.
Agreed with DPG the main story problem doesn't seem to carry high enough stakes. Also most youth, that I am aware of, don't work i.e it's the norm already. I suppose it depends on the definition of youth in this instance, so perhaps the description should change to a world in which unemployment is tRead more
Agreed with DPG the main story problem doesn’t seem to carry high enough stakes.
Also most youth, that I am aware of, don’t work i.e it’s the norm already. I suppose it depends on the definition of youth in this instance, so perhaps the description should change to a world in which unemployment is the norm regardless of the demographic.
Secondly most teenagers are depressed teens and if not most then many are, fundamentally this is not a good main character description as it is too generic. The logline should explain what it is about this teen that’s unique and subsequently interesting.
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