1. Posted: December 31, 2015In:

    A man who thought he could change the traditional values and cultural status quo of his local community and who in the process, unwittingly challenged the powers that be. Powers embedded in the system to protect against and ensure such atrocity would not take flight; thus dangerously endangering his life and that of the members of his family. From the rural lands to the bright lights of an unknown and strange city, the battle raged.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    As previously mentioned this logline is confusing and fails to describe a plot. Best not to describe in detail the thoughts of the characters nor the status quo in the society they live in, rather let the tensions and stakes become clear as a result of the story elements. The next draft of the logliRead more

    As previously mentioned this logline is confusing and fails to describe a plot.

    Best not to describe in detail the thoughts of the characters nor the status quo in the society they live in, rather let the tensions and stakes become clear as a result of the story elements.

    The next draft of the logline should focus on the main character, his goal and nothing else.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: December 28, 2015In:

    The most legendary and recognizable singing slave in al-Andalus hires an adventuring Norman to steal the Caliph’s prize possession, herself.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    This logline contains unclear details that make it a confusing read. What is a singing slave? One can imagine it to be a person forced to sing. However, this is written in such a way that it implies that singing slaves are common place enough for the description to be clear on its own when it actualRead more

    This logline contains unclear details that make it a confusing read.

    What is a singing slave?
    One can imagine it to be a person forced to sing. However, this is written in such a way that it implies that singing slaves are common place enough for the description to be clear on its own when it actually isn’t.

    What is “…an adventuring Norman…”?
    Is it a person called Norman that has set off on an adventure? If so, what adventure and why? Is a Norman a nationality, i.e a person who belongs to a society called the Norms?

    “…The Caliph…” implies that the reader knows who and what the Caliph is, but they don’t. What or who is the Caliph?

    Lastly it reads as if the main character is the slave, but the main action is taken by the Norman character. If the main character is the Norman one, then the order of the descriptions needs to change. Otherwise if it is the slave, then best to make him or her carry out the main action.

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: December 21, 2015In:

    When a struggling actor returns home to run the family’s auto body shop after his father’s death, he’s met with resistance, violence, and illegal activity from the employees and his own family.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    The inciting incident is not specified enough and too many obstacles are described in this logline.If the actor returns home because he is struggling financially, then the inciting incident needs to be a clear indication of this, i.e he gets evicted from his apartment or all his stuff gets repossessRead more

    The inciting incident is not specified enough and too many obstacles are described in this logline.

    If the actor returns home because he is struggling financially, then the inciting incident needs to be a clear indication of this, i.e he gets evicted from his apartment or all his stuff gets repossessed, etc…
    But if it is his father’s death that makes him return home, then this needs to be mentioned earlier in the logline.? For example: After his father dies, a struggling actor returns home to run the family business an auto repair shop…

    The obstacles seem vague in their descriptions and lack the detail required to make this concept sound interesting. What kind of illegal activity? Who exactly is resisting him? How is the violence being manifested? I suggest you pick one of these and describe it in specific terms in the next draft of the logline.

    See less
    • 0