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Parents of first-in-the-family MBA graduate mortgaged their house for his education. In his first consulting job out of school he is given ?impossible? client and must save client to save his job and parent?s home
The structure of the logline indicates that the parents are the main characters, though I'm sure the opposite is true. I suggest switching the order around to indicate who the story is really about. After an MBA graduate's parents mortgage their house to pay for his education, he must.... Secondly,Read more
The structure of the logline indicates that the parents are the main characters, though I’m sure the opposite is true. I suggest switching the order around to indicate who the story is really about.
After an MBA graduate’s parents mortgage their house to pay for his education, he must….
Secondly, the verb “…save…” is not clear enough an action for a logline. What is it exactly that he must do in order to save the client? As this action will constitute most of act 2, it needs to be specified in the next draft of the logline.
See lessWhen a young fantasy writer encounters a bad boy erotic fiction author, she must learn to escape her fantasy world to revel in her new reality.
Agreed with the above comment. In addition, what is it that the main character needs to do? As learn to escape is a vague description of the story's main action. To learn is an inner process and will not make for a very good cinematic action, the logline needs a specific objective that she would neeRead more
Agreed with the above comment.
In addition, what is it that the main character needs to do? As learn to escape is a vague description of the story’s main action.
See lessTo learn is an inner process and will not make for a very good cinematic action, the logline needs a specific objective that she would need to achieve which will clearly indicate that she has successfully learned a lesson.
In 2005 Toronto, the members of a kid’s club formerly active in the 1990’s reunite and reminisce about old times. However, they have to deal with a greedy land developer who wants to tear down the neighbourhood where it once was located.
The first sentence in this logline deals with a lot of detail that doesn't contribute to the reader's understanding of the current plot, whereas the second sentence lacks a main character and goal. Preventing the development of an old neighborhood is not (as McKee would say) a story worthy problem oRead more
The first sentence in this logline deals with a lot of detail that doesn’t contribute to the reader’s understanding of the current plot, whereas the second sentence lacks a main character and goal.
Preventing the development of an old neighborhood is not (as McKee would say) a story worthy problem on its own. What is it about the neighborhood aside from sentimentality that would make it a tragedy to tear down now?
A good example of this is in Mel Brook’s Life Stinks, if the greedy developer gets his way all the people that live on the streets lose their homes. The added irony that the main character was once a greedy developer himself, adds an extra layer of interest to his inner journey.
My suggestion:
See lessAfter a greedy developer threatens to tear down his old neighborhood a lawyer, former street kid himself, must fight the development proposal to save the homeless kids living in the local shelter.