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An impoverished teen drug mule threaten to inform by Police must find a way to get out of the business and save her sister being held as collateral.
In v2 the stakes are clear - the sister's life, the motivating event or inciting incident less so. The line "...With her sister being held as collateral..." sounds like her sister was captured and held by the bad guys before the story started, why not make the sister's capture the event that startsRead more
In v2 the stakes are clear – the sister’s life, the motivating event or inciting incident less so. The line “…With her sister being held as collateral…” sounds like her sister was captured and held by the bad guys before the story started, why not make the sister’s capture the event that starts off the story?
I.e:
After her sister is kidnapped by her supplier a drug mule must…
“…held as collateral…” is a given and therefore redundant in the logline, as is the part that states “…pressured by police…”. The police putting pressure on her is a subplot and the logline could do without it. If her primary goal is to save her sister, that is what the logline should focus on.
Ultimately whether desperate or not, the MC chose to become a drug mule in the first place. This means she is a bad person, her inner journey could be to overcome this and I think an element of irony could help elevate the concept. Why not make it clear that the supplier is threatening to kill the sister with an overdose of drugs? Then the MC will despise the entire drug trade, yet will be forced to partake in it in order to save someone she loves.
For example:
See lessAfter her sister is kidnapped by her supplier a drug mule must undergo one last run in order to save her sister from a forced heroin overdose.
An impoverished teen drug mule threaten to inform by Police must find a way to get out of the business and save her sister being held as collateral.
What DPG wrote. The MC's main problem is unclear and it confuses the read as a result. Secondly the structure of the logline is working against it. Perhaps it would be best to start with the boss taking the sister: After her sister is taken hostage by her mob boss, a drug mule must... [do something]Read more
What DPG wrote.
The MC’s main problem is unclear and it confuses the read as a result.
Secondly the structure of the logline is working against it.
Perhaps it would be best to start with the boss taking the sister:
After her sister is taken hostage by her mob boss, a drug mule must… [do something]
The MC’s goal appears to be split into two, one is to save the sister the other is to get out of the business, and seeing as the only sure way out of organised crime is in a body bag, both are life or death choices.
See lessMaybe it would be better to specify only one goal in the logline, otherwise it gets confusing.
A hard-boiled bank auditor struggles to outwit a colleague and onetime master thief bent on sinking the bank for perceived negligence that wrongfully landed him in jail.
What is the event that makes the main character need to save her job? This event is what will set her off on her journey, and therefore, it's vital to the story. The event needs to be significant enough to push a character to take extreme actions, and must also connect with the goal in a cause and eRead more
What is the event that makes the main character need to save her job? This event is what will set her off on her journey, and therefore, it’s vital to the story.
The event needs to be significant enough to push a character to take extreme actions, and must also connect with the goal in a cause and effect relationship. In addition the goal is unclear, as “…outwit…” is a generic description which lacks detail. What SPECIFICALLY must she do, in order to outwit the bad guy? Technically speaking, most main characters outwit the bad guys in their stories, so without detailing a unique action? the plot is vague.
See less