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As New World settlers prepare to fight Native Indians, a mild mannered sailor must likewise find the courage to challenge his closest friend, a military hero for the heart of the idealistic woman he secretly loves.
This doesn't describe a plot as it lacks plot specific detail such as an inciting incident and goal. It also raises too many questions and provides too little information for the reader and writer to understand what the story is really about. Why must he challenge his friend now and not a month agoRead more
This doesn’t describe a plot as it lacks plot specific detail such as an inciting incident and goal. It also raises too many questions and provides too little information for the reader and writer to understand what the story is really about.
Why must he challenge his friend now and not a month ago or a month from now?
After he finds the courage to challenge the friend then what? What will he actually do? What does challenge his friend mean? What will this look like? After challenging him if he is successful what will he do?
Lastly the new world setting and settlers V natives seams unrelated to the plot or at least at this stage form the logline, why is this setting important to this story?
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter an unruly party, a college dropout must share a paper route with his 12 year old overachieving neighbor to cover the damage.
Agreed with the above. The wording lets the concept down better to start with the inciting incident and end with the goal. After damaging his friends house a high-school dropout must share a paper route with his 12 yo overachieving neighbor. Why is high-school drop out important to the plot it seamsRead more
Agreed with the above.
The wording lets the concept down better to start with the inciting incident and end with the goal.
After damaging his friends house a high-school dropout must share a paper route with his 12 yo overachieving neighbor.
Why is high-school drop out important to the plot it seams more of a device to create an odd couple with the over achiever, is there a better description for the MC a character flaw that could give him a reason to change? If so better to use that instead as a description.
Hope this helps.
See lessDeep in the trenches of a secret war against monsters that threaten humanity, a battle-weary young woman struggles to prepare her new trainee for combat when the truth behind her sister?s death on the frontlines comes to light.
The sentence "...Deep in the trenches of a secret war against monsters that threaten humanity..." doesn't add any new detail and provides no further clarity of the plot because it appears to use vague terms and an analogy. Is the MC literally deep in trenches or is this a colorful description? Is shRead more
The sentence “…Deep in the trenches of a secret war against monsters that threaten humanity…” doesn’t add any new detail and provides no further clarity of the plot because it appears to use vague terms and an analogy. Is the MC literally deep in trenches or is this a colorful description?
Is she a soldier, a secret agent or just a person that found herself in the wrong place and time?
The notion of a trainee is confusing, is she part of an organization that recruits new people as trainees? Or did she just so happen to find a random person and dubbed them her trainee?
Descriptions such as “…secret war…” are confusing what does a secret war mean? Only the military is aware of it? Only the soldiers but not the officers? Why is the secrecy of the war relevant?
Describing the MC as a “…young woman…” makes her seam vague because it is a generic description that lacks character specific traits which would shape our understanding of her and what she is capable, or not, of doing.
Similar to the above “…battle-weary…” is vague because most soldiers become battle-weary after a while, instead better to describe a character flaw that would inhibit her chances of success.
Mentioning her sister’s death is unrelated to the plot and should be cut, or is finding out the truth about her sister’s death her goal? If so better to start the logline with her sister’s death as a motivation for her to discover how she died, otherwise it is an extraneous addition.
Lastly and most importantly no goal was specified in the logline and as such the plot is unclear, what does the MC actually want to achieve?
Hope this helps.
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