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A single desperate fathers journey to save his daughter from a rare disease, he embarks on the seemingly impossible journey inside of area 51 where the only known antidote is, with bad luck finding him along the way and time not on his side, his daughter begins to fade fast.
The first part of the logline ("...A single desperate fathers journey to save his daughter from a rare disease...") is a deceleration of a situation rather than a plot point description and needs to be cut. It should be replaced with an inciting incident i.e: After his daughter contracts a rare diseRead more
The first part of the logline (“…A single desperate fathers journey to save his daughter from a rare disease…”) is a deceleration of a situation rather than a plot point description and needs to be cut. It should be replaced with an inciting incident i.e: After his daughter contracts a rare disease a single father must…
The description: “…seemingly impossible…” is redundant because if it is impossible then he will fail, however, what you are trying to do is describe his journey as a daunting task. This is (or should be) the case for all main characters and therefore there is no need to add an adjective to his journey rather describe the specific detail that makes it daunting.
Phrases such as “…bad luck finding him along the way and time not on his side…” are generic statements of obstacles and time frame. They do not contribute to the readers understanding of the dramatic premise as they inherently lack a connection to the specific story and character at hand. Best to specifically describe the obstacles, stakes characters and time restrictions they have.
Lastly “…his daughter begins to fade fast..” is the inciting incident and needs to be (as previously mentioned) at the beginning of the logline not the end. More so either she is dying or she isn’t – …”begins to fade…” is a diluted way of saying deteriorates.
Hope this helps.
See lessA once indulgent father now battles his spoiled children who are stealing his retirement money.
The sentence construct in this logline is not clear and the irony it eludes to is lost. Secondly this logline doesn't describe a plot, what does the father specifically want to achieve? Get the money his kids spent back from them? Teach them a lesson? Either way how will he do that? This should be dRead more
The sentence construct in this logline is not clear and the irony it eludes to is lost.
Secondly this logline doesn’t describe a plot, what does the father specifically want to achieve? Get the money his kids spent back from them? Teach them a lesson? Either way how will he do that? This should be described in the logline.
Lastly, why now? Why not a year ago? What event compelled him to need to battle his kids? What is his inciting incident?
Hope this helps.
See lessAgainst a backdrop of growing religious conflict with a foreign civilization, an idealistic scientist seeks truth while a young civil servant seeks power.
This logline is confusing as it doesn't describe a single main point of view character or specific goal and subsequently fails to illustrate a plot. Who exactly is the story about and what does he or she specifically want? "...seeks truth..." is too vague, in what way does he or she seek truth? WhatRead more
This logline is confusing as it doesn’t describe a single main point of view character or specific goal and subsequently fails to illustrate a plot.
Who exactly is the story about and what does he or she specifically want?
“…seeks truth…” is too vague, in what way does he or she seek truth? What will this look like once achieved? Same applies to “…seeks power.”
Hope this helps.
See less