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A young Iranian soldier fleeing his country to seek refuge elsewhere, must escape the clutches of a Thai profiteer, holding him for ransom until his family pays
Clarity is soo important in a logline this needs a re draft that specifies the MC, his flaw, the inciting incident and his goal, with specific detail. Hope this helps.
Clarity is soo important in a logline this needs a re draft that specifies the MC, his flaw, the inciting incident and his goal, with specific detail.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen he learns that his partner has a borderline personality disorder a depressed guy uses unconventional methods to fix a relationship disrupted by a cloud of mental illness.
This logline is vague and doesn't describe a plot. A main character needs to be actively pursuing a clear goal as a result of easily understood motivations for a concept to be good and the subsequent logline read well. Learning that his partner "...has a borderline personality disorder..." is not aRead more
This logline is vague and doesn’t describe a plot. A main character needs to be actively pursuing a clear goal as a result of easily understood motivations for a concept to be good and the subsequent logline read well.
Learning that his partner “…has a borderline personality disorder…” is not a good inciting incident because most people could be described this way. How is this so out of the ordinary for the MC that it shifts the balance of his life and forces him to take action or else?
From the logline the inciting incident doesn’t I suggest to define the event that motivates him into action as an undeniably related to mental disorders and is a do or die event to make up for the un visual nature of the subject matter. Perhaps the partner is his wife and she tried to kill herself but failed?
Secondly “…a borderline personality disorder…” is a vague description of a problem as it is too generic to create a clear image of the problem at hand. What disorder specifically does she have: OCD, a bipolar disorder or a manic depressive one?
“…a relationship disrupted by a cloud of mental illness.” is again too vague to paint a clear understanding of what he will actually do. What does a cloud of mental illness look like? Does the partner try to take her own life? Does she spend all their money? Does she have an affair? What actually happens that will be his obstacle?
Hope this helps.
See lessIn a world run by machines, a timid young woman – holding a vital secret – must regain her ability to speak before everything she loves is destroyed.
Agreed with the above comments there is too many vague descriptions for the logline to paint a clear picture. For example, why now? Why didn't she need to save everything she loves a year ago? Is there a deadline by which she has to save everything by? What event started off the story and gave her aRead more
Agreed with the above comments there is too many vague descriptions for the logline to paint a clear picture.
For example, why now? Why didn’t she need to save everything she loves a year ago? Is there a deadline by which she has to save everything by? What event started off the story and gave her a compelling motivation? Lastly every thing she loves is too vague, what specifically does she need to save? A loved one? Her family? Her pets? etc..
Hope this helps.
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