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A secretive, lonely hitman is asked to perform one last hit when he decides to quit after falling in love with a successful attorney. When the target turns out to be his intended, he must bring all of his skills to bear against everything the mob can throw at him.
Best to decide whether falling in love is the inciting incident in which case this is a love story set in a crime world. Or been given his lover as a target in which case this is a crime or crime/thriller. Accordingly the inciting incident of choice needs to be put forward and as the others have menRead more
Best to decide whether falling in love is the inciting incident in which case this is a love story set in a crime world. Or been given his lover as a target in which case this is a crime or crime/thriller.
Accordingly the inciting incident of choice needs to be put forward and as the others have mentioned already cut the first sentence as it is mostly back story and unrelated to the plot at hand.
Hope this helps.
See lessA newly telepathic psychiatrist takes matters into his own hands when he detects his patient?s increasingly abusive marriage.
What is the MC's flaw? What must he overcome in his journey? Helping a patient is the basic function of a psychiatrist so the logline describes nothing we couldn't already expect. What could make this more interesting is a personal stake or character flaw for the MC to have or overcome. Hope this heRead more
What is the MC’s flaw? What must he overcome in his journey?
Helping a patient is the basic function of a psychiatrist so the logline describes nothing we couldn’t already expect. What could make this more interesting is a personal stake or character flaw for the MC to have or overcome.
Hope this helps.
See lessAn incompetent manager but brilliant schemer is late to a meeting and blames his absence on a death in the family of a new employee; paranoid that the company owner will discover all his previous lies, his actions to cover up this lie become more and more radical.
The MC description is too long pick one character description that elaborates on a flaw then let the logline set up a situation where the MC needs to overcome this flaw. The inciting incident is of his own doing, he was late, and therefore would presumably on a regular basis. This means it was not aRead more
The MC description is too long pick one character description that elaborates on a flaw then let the logline set up a situation where the MC needs to overcome this flaw.
The inciting incident is of his own doing, he was late, and therefore would presumably on a regular basis. This means it was not a significant enough of an event to drive the MC to take action. Is there a better event that happens to the MC out of his control that forces him to do something? IF so best to use that as the inciting incident if not best to make one up to replace the current one.
If his only goal is to lie successfully to his boss he comes across as an anti hero. This is fine as an inner journey and worked well in Liar Liar but the MC had a clear outer goal in that film to get his family back.
I think to make this premise work best to add a goal that necessitates him to lie for a “good reason” not a selfish one. If not then at least hint at a mid act 2 reversal where he realizes his lie can help someone else and makes him switch from selfish to noble.
Other wise the logline has too many words describing vague plot points as the goal is to continuously lie with no definitive end. Can you specify the point at which the story ends beyond any doubt? If so make the action he needs to take to bring about this final resolution the MC’s goal.
Hope this helps.
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