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A vengeance-driven PI hires an intellectual cat-burglar to help her investigate a murder that links a multinational tech giant to a notorious cybercriminal.
Agreed with the above comments also the logline doesn't describe a clear goal. It only says they will investigate a murder but then what? Put the CEO of the multinational giant in jail or kill him or her? Hope this helps.
Agreed with the above comments also the logline doesn’t describe a clear goal. It only says they will investigate a murder but then what? Put the CEO of the multinational giant in jail or kill him or her?
Hope this helps.
See lessHunting a dangerous fugitive in 13th century England, a group of mercenaries led by a disgraced knight must brave a surreal frozen hellscape in order to bring their prey to justice.
The logline describes a vague plot and lacks personal stakes therefore it reads slow paced and lack luster. The premise could have potential but needs elaborating on some missing story elements. For one what is the inciting incident? When do they set off to catch the fugitive? Why do they set off toRead more
The logline describes a vague plot and lacks personal stakes therefore it reads slow paced and lack luster.
The premise could have potential but needs elaborating on some missing story elements. For one what is the inciting incident? When do they set off to catch the fugitive? Why do they set off to catch a fugitive? Fugitive style plots are a bit of a trope now so what will set this apart except from the time period is the personal stakes for the MC. What are the personal stakes? Did the fugitive kill a loved one perhaps?
Secondly what is the inner demon the knight needs to overcome? Being disgraced means he needs to prove himself to others and get his title back this could be a personal goal but not a flaw. What is his flaw that he needs to overcome before achieving the main plot external goal?
Lastly best to be specific about a goal describe what “…bring their prey to justice.” actually means kill the fugitive, put him in the dungeon or banish him or her.
Hope this helps.
See lessAn old-school private investigator, assisted by his tech-savvy daughter, investigates the alleged death of the son of a presidential candidate only to uncover a deep conspiracy that puts them in the crosshairs.
The daughter is only an ally and doesn't need to be in the logline even though she is in the story because it is essentially the PI's plot. Be specific about the "...deep conspiracy..." reason is investigating stuff is what a PI does most days so what about this PI's investigation is interesting isRead more
The daughter is only an ally and doesn’t need to be in the logline even though she is in the story because it is essentially the PI’s plot.
Be specific about the “…deep conspiracy…” reason is investigating stuff is what a PI does most days so what about this PI’s investigation is interesting is the conspiracy not the investigation.
Secondly what is the inciting incident? What out of the normal sets the PI off on his way to take action? As it stands the logline doesn’t describe a plot because it has not starting point or inciting incident and has no end point or goal. The logline describes a day in the life of a generic PI but how will this be different to the many other PI stories?
A future re draft should answer these questions.
Hope this helps.
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