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An optimistic and energetic freshman just wants to fit in his first year in high school, but that all changes when he meets a girl who he thought he would never see again, and is propelled on a path that could very well change the meaning of ?fitting in?.
You describe the inciting incident (meets the girl) too late in the logline for it to have an impact on the read. If this is a boy meets girl love story and the event that propels him into action is meeting the girl then let it do so in the same way for the reader. After meeting the girl of his dreaRead more
You describe the inciting incident (meets the girl) too late in the logline for it to have an impact on the read. If this is a boy meets girl love story and the event that propels him into action is meeting the girl then let it do so in the same way for the reader.
After meeting the girl of his dreams in his freshmen year a [good description for the MC] must do something…
Also you have to be specific about the whole plot not just act one or the first half of the film.
What is his goal? If it is to get the girl, what is standing in his way? How will he over come the obstacle?
It’s the answer to these questions that can make your story interesting.
So better to redraft the logline with the inciting incident up front then describe the MC then explain how he will achieve his goal.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen a shy courier, in a bad marriage, is allured by the friendly wife of a drug criminal, he pursues her help to overcome his social anxiety, despite exposure to his wife's brother by police phone taps.
Best to try and take on board the previous comments by implementing them in the re drafts of the logline. Inject a clear goal motivated by an inciting incident with high stakes for the MC. Love story or not this concept lacks a hook of interest and needs more his brother in law and marital status arRead more
Best to try and take on board the previous comments by implementing them in the re drafts of the logline. Inject a clear goal motivated by an inciting incident with high stakes for the MC. Love story or not this concept lacks a hook of interest and needs more his brother in law and marital status are unrelated to the plot at hand and add unnecessary elements to the logline.
After falling in love with the wife of a notorious criminal a lonely shy courier must fight the criminal’s mob to save his loves life.
See lessWhen a father, just diagnosed with depression, learns that his sweetheart has an even more debilitating mental illness, he must evaluate the relationship and learn the importance of their love.
Good points raised above I wont repeat them but add the bellow. Better to make the inciting incident a more significant event than that in the original logline. if you want to deal with mental illness then why not have the stakes character (sweetheart) try to commit suicide or do some other dangerouRead more
Good points raised above I wont repeat them but add the bellow.
Better to make the inciting incident a more significant event than that in the original logline. if you want to deal with mental illness then why not have the stakes character (sweetheart) try to commit suicide or do some other dangerous action that relates to her mental illness. This way you will clearly motivate the MC and explain she has a condition of sorts at the same time.
Hope this helps.
See less