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During an intergalactic war a unit of elite soldiers has to stop one of their own who is now under the control of the enemy?s sentient doomsday weapon, a virtually indestructible miles long warship whose goal is the destruction of all humanity.
The logline is too long and as I read it I asked why must the unite of soldiers stop the other guy? what made them need to do this? Point is the structure of the logline is working against itself so better to put the inciting incident first. Secondly can you specify a main character? Cold it be theRead more
The logline is too long and as I read it I asked why must the unite of soldiers stop the other guy? what made them need to do this? Point is the structure of the logline is working against itself so better to put the inciting incident first.
Secondly can you specify a main character? Cold it be the second in command or the unit’s sergeant as appose to an arbitrary number of characters?
“…virtually indestructible?” is a self contradicting description, either it is or isn’t indestructible. I think it being indestructible provides more of an obstacle for the MC’s so better to make it so.
Lastly no need to describe in so much detail the nature of the weapon, its mission or the setting let it all be implied by the character and obstacle descriptions.
My try:
After their commander was mind controlled by the enemy’s sentient doomsday weapon a unit of elite soldiers must stop an indestructible spaceship from destroying all of humanity.
Hope this helps.
See lessIn a war driven futuristic dystopia an insecure generals son learns he is "The Savior" the rebellion's prophecy calls for and must choose to abandon his home or avoid his destiny. For Meet-up.
The logline describes the setting in three ways it is "...war driven?" and is in the future and it is a "?dystopia?" this is too much of a setting description and takes up too much valuable logline real-estate with out adding much. Secondly there is no inciting incident. When does the story start? wRead more
The logline describes the setting in three ways it is “…war driven?” and is in the future and it is a “?dystopia?” this is too much of a setting description and takes up too much valuable logline real-estate with out adding much.
Secondly there is no inciting incident. When does the story start? what event sets the hero off on his journey?
Most importantly of all the MC has no clear goal, choosing is not an action it is what you do before taking action. this may work in a short film under 15 minutes but not in a 110 minutes. What does he want to achieve and how will he achieve it?
Hope this helps.
See lessA precocious fencer, labeled by a prophecy as "The Savior" must learn to unleash his inner warrior in order to prevent a ruthless general from destroying the known world.
Agreed with Richiev, also there are too many vague descriptions used in this logline. What does "...inner warrior?" mean? What will this look like? Is this a metaphor or a literal supernatural being inside of him? Most bad guys are "...ruthless?" in what way is this general ruthless? What makes himRead more
Agreed with Richiev, also there are too many vague descriptions used in this logline.
What does “…inner warrior?” mean? What will this look like? Is this a metaphor or a literal supernatural being inside of him? Most bad guys are “…ruthless?” in what way is this general ruthless? What makes him unique and especially difficult to beat?
Point is it is unclear what main action the MC will take throughout the film.
Hope this helps.
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