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When a women?s prison workgang is attacked by 19th Century demon possessed, private-school girls, the head prisoner must destroy them to save the new inmate.
People un familiar with Picnic At Hanging Rock may not get the pun name. The antagonist description is so convoluted it is almost comical, not sure if this was the intention or not though. Either way the antagonists are not immediately clear and require a second if not third read to get and the resuRead more
People un familiar with Picnic At Hanging Rock may not get the pun name.
The antagonist description is so convoluted it is almost comical, not sure if this was the intention or not though. Either way the antagonists are not immediately clear and require a second if not third read to get and the resulting inciting incident the prisoners being attacked is vague.
Are all the inmates under attack? Are all the inmates in danger? Or just the new inmate?
The MC description is unclear, is there such a thing as a head prisoner? Is this an official role in the prison system to help the prison control the inmates? Or is this an un official pecking order leadership?
The stakes are unclear:
Why must the MC save the new inmate? What will happen if she fails? Why must the MC save only the new inmate and not the rest?
Hope this helps.
See lessA 10-year,turned detective,must spoil his father?s every move toward his new teacher and step-mother to-be or see his mother?s marriage destroyed.
Agreed with mmean the logline is confusing and poorly worded. The average executive/producer will be over worked and rushed when reading your logline. As such the logline needs to be crystal clear and the plot instantly understood on first read, this is not the case from the above. Equally if you arRead more
Agreed with mmean the logline is confusing and poorly worded.
The average executive/producer will be over worked and rushed when reading your logline. As such the logline needs to be crystal clear and the plot instantly understood on first read, this is not the case from the above.
Equally if you are still structuring the plot before writing the script you need just as much clarity to be able to make informed decisions whilst writing.
Lastly the plot is unclear as FFF suggested.
The MC is a 10 year old but is it a boy or girl?
What is his or her flaw?
What makes him or her need to become a detective? What is the inciting incident?
How is the MC’s mother’s marriage connected to the MC’s actions?
What does the MC specifically want to achieve as a goal?
Can a 10 year old do all that, no offence intended to the average 10 year old but should he or she maybe be a little older perhaps 13 instead?
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen a young computer prodigy discovers he exists in a virtual world, he reprograms reality to save his father with cataclysmic consequences.
"?young?" is not a good description for a MC as it is too vague and generic in nature. What is his flaw that he must over come to achieve his goal? Secondly does he alone exist in a virtual world or all of humanity either way this is way too Matrix or Tron for comfort, if you get my drift. What areRead more
“?young?” is not a good description for a MC as it is too vague and generic in nature. What is his flaw that he must over come to achieve his goal?
Secondly does he alone exist in a virtual world or all of humanity either way this is way too Matrix or Tron for comfort, if you get my drift.
What are the “…cataclysmic consequences?” specifically?
Such an open ending description of the climax leaves the genre and scope of the story unclear. For example it could mean the universe will collide upon itself but also it could mean that he only affects his lineage and erases himself in the process. Both of these outcomes could make for an interesting climax but vastly change the story.
Ultimately the logline describes a down ending with no hope, is there a more positive spin you can put on the ending of the concept as it sounds rather dire and un appealing currently.
Hope this helps.
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