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When a depressed office worker learns that his estranged, Chinese mob-boss father has been murdered, he must return home to avenge him!!
This logline uses too many words and needs to be leaned up. E.g: After a depressed clerk learns of his mob boss father's death he travels home to seek revenge. Regarding the concept I would add an antagonist and stakes because there are no obstacles vote value to his actions. As it stands if he failRead more
This logline uses too many words and needs to be leaned up.
E.g:
After a depressed clerk learns of his mob boss father’s death he travels home to seek revenge.
Regarding the concept I would add an antagonist and stakes because there are no obstacles vote value to his actions.
As it stands if he fails his dad will still be dead if he succeeds he will be a killer him self. Ultimately revenge is a poor goal because it is negative, selfish and helps no one.
Is there another reason the MC must murder his father’s killer? Perhaps to save his mother or siblings? This changes the goal to a noble act as he will risk himself to help others.
Lastly exclamation marks don’t add dramatic effect and should not be used in a Logline!!
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen a beautiful young woman is found brutally murdered, a detective must travel to the remote island to find the killer before they kill again!
This logline describes most detective stories ever told because to catch a killer is what most detectives do any how. What about this will be different? How will this story be unique? What about this story will hook peoples interests? About the story elements and structure for a detective to find aRead more
This logline describes most detective stories ever told because to catch a killer is what most detectives do any how.
What about this will be different? How will this story be unique? What about this story will hook peoples interests?
About the story elements and structure for a detective to find a young woman dead is part of their job not an unusual event that sets them off on the path to achieve a goal. Therefore finding the woman dead is not an inciting incident. What other event can trigger the detective and motivate him to take action? Or how can you change this woman’s death to be more impactful? Was she his daughter, wife or mistress?
Hope this helps.
See less1850s. When a shipwreck survivor swaps his convict uniform with a drowned lieutenant, he must keep up the charade or face execution from his rescuers.
This has the potential to describe an interesting period piece that can be set in any newly colonized land however the plot is vague and makes the story seam weak. Better to define the shipwreck as the inciting incident then a corresponding goal. What is it the convict wants? To get a plot of land iRead more
This has the potential to describe an interesting period piece that can be set in any newly colonized land however the plot is vague and makes the story seam weak.
Better to define the shipwreck as the inciting incident then a corresponding goal.
What is it the convict wants? To get a plot of land in the new colony? To kill the officer that lashed him on the ship? To get revenge against the people who sent him away from home?
For example:
After a shipwreck a surviving convict takes the clothes and assumes the identity of a drowned lieutenant he works his way up the military ranks in the new colony so he can kill the commandant who condemned him to exile.
Hope this helps.
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