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In the summer of '65, four friends make a mad dash to Vegas to get married before midnight to avoid facing the Vietnam draft.
Best to make it about one guy if the story ends after the marriage goal. However if this story goes on after the marriage goal or is planned for a sequel better to have 4 guys. Look at Big Wednesday where there are four friends 3 try and dodge the draft 1 fails and is forced to enlist and 1 enlistsRead more
Best to make it about one guy if the story ends after the marriage goal.
However if this story goes on after the marriage goal or is planned for a sequel better to have 4 guys. Look at Big Wednesday where there are four friends 3 try and dodge the draft 1 fails and is forced to enlist and 1 enlists on his own merits.
The group dynamic creates a dramatic premise when the friend that was forced to enlist dies and the one who wanted to enlist returns home.
I’m not sure if this story extends beyond the marriage goal or not but it sods like a good premise the logline needs clarification as to the exact end point of the story. Also as mentioned above by Lee and DPG it also needs clarity regarding who the group of friends are exactly.
Hope this helps.
See lessSeduced by wealth and power, an ambitious high school student finds himself as an accessory to his mentor's growing list of financial crimes. When greed and paranoia start to sink in, it pits both men against each other in a high stakes battle of wits.
It is clear that the main character is the high school student this is good, but what does he want specifically? And what specifically makes him want it? The lack of specificity in the logline reduces interest as the concept sounds vague. Descriptions such as "Seduced by wealth and power?" and "...hRead more
It is clear that the main character is the high school student this is good, but what does he want specifically? And what specifically makes him want it?
The lack of specificity in the logline reduces interest as the concept sounds vague. Descriptions such as “Seduced by wealth and power?” and “…high stakes battle of wits.” are too vague to be effective in a logline because they don’t tell the reader what are the starting and end points of the story.
What is the MC’s goal and what is the inciting incident?
In addition the logline literally tells the reader that there will be “…high stakes?” but doesn’t describe how or in what way. These should be intrinsically understood from the premise not literally worded in the logline.
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter a series of volcanic explosions and earthquakes unleashes the 'Shaadowars', a race of monsters born from the depths of the world. The human race who inhabits the world has waged a brutal war for survival. An Australian Knight unsuspectingly teams up with a young Aboriginal boy who has the key to ending the devastating war and drag the world back from darkness.
I disagree with the previous post. The structure of a logline needs to be similar to that of the plot i.e: Inciting incident then MC then goal. In the best loglines the read emulates the emotions the story will evoke via a similar order of action and description. This logline is too long and uses toRead more
I disagree with the previous post.
The structure of a logline needs to be similar to that of the plot i.e: Inciting incident then MC then goal. In the best loglines the read emulates the emotions the story will evoke via a similar order of action and description.
This logline is too long and uses too many words to describe superfluous story elements. No need to name the race of monsters best to use the precious logline real-estate on describing them instead.
No need to mention that the human race inhabits the Earth this is intrinsically understood.
Are there knights in Australia? When is the story set? Modern day or 200 years ago? I’m not sure there even were knights per say 200 years ago when Australia was first colonised but if set in modern day then perhaps make him an army sergeant or general.
All war is devastating no need to mention this in the logline in addition to the fact that devastating is too generic a description to be effective in a logline.
What does “…drag the world back from darkness.” mean?
Did the monsters block out the sun? Or is this a figure of speech?
Best to be specific in these descriptions, what will drag the world back from darkness actually look like?
If I were to boil the story down to its bare components it would look like this:
After a race of monsters from beneath the Earths crust wages a war against humanity a rogue general finds the solution to stopping the war in an aboriginal boy they must fight the monsters leader together.
Hope this helps.
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