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?When an inexperienced journalist gets assigned to a military unit fighting in the second US civil war, he will have to fill the unlikely role of diplomat in order to prevent the war from reaching his home town.?
Rather than getting hooked I think it will confuse people. Think of the reader as a first time encounter with the concept as such this logline assumes far too much in order to pass as a clear and believable plot. Sound advise given above. Best to clarify the nature of the grand conflict in a groundeRead more
Rather than getting hooked I think it will confuse people.
Think of the reader as a first time encounter with the concept as such this logline assumes far too much in order to pass as a clear and believable plot.
Sound advise given above.
Best to clarify the nature of the grand conflict in a grounded and believable premise that helps the suspension of disbelief instead of working against it. Further this concept needs its stakes balanced out because the personal stakes are undervalued when compared to the bigger stakes of a whole nation.
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter she finds divorce papers, a desperate make-up artist goes to extreme measures to turn herself into her husbands ideal woman, but when she discovers that he actually dreams of becoming a woman she has to face what is really keeping them together.
What Richiev said. The logline starts with one plot then at the end begins another this is confusing and the goal isn't clear what increases the confusion. She either wants to keep their relationship or not needing to "face" something isn't a goal but what she needs after facing the reality is a goaRead more
What Richiev said.
The logline starts with one plot then at the end begins another this is confusing and the goal isn’t clear what increases the confusion. She either wants to keep their relationship or not needing to “face” something isn’t a goal but what she needs after facing the reality is a goal.
I think the MC has a great journey from becoming dependent on her husband to becoming independent. The divorce papers are a great catalyst to push her into taking one action which will eventually lead her to learn a lesson and become a better person for it.
I don’t think the plot needs anything more than that to make an interesting story. How about:
After being given divorce papers an insecure mack-up artists desperately tries to change her self to save her marriage.
Maybe add an antagonist the husbands new lover a transsexual person perhaps.
Hope this helps.
See lessRudderless since returning from the Gulf, a sardonic veteran's hapless life gets a bump when he befriends a youth in need of a mentor, but in order to save his budding relationship with his young protege's mom he must shed his old skin and become the man everyone, including himself, needs him to be.
Best to simplify the read of a logline than load it with too much descriptions and simile. By half way of the logline I found it hard to connect all the character descriptions, plot points and motivations. I suggest breaking this down to its bare components: main character, inciting incident, goal,Read more
Best to simplify the read of a logline than load it with too much descriptions and simile.
By half way of the logline I found it hard to connect all the character descriptions, plot points and motivations. I suggest breaking this down to its bare components: main character, inciting incident, goal, motivation and obstacle. Then add in only the vital descriptions needed to understand why the character does what he does.
After a veteran befriends a troubled young boy he must [do something meaningful] in order to [achieve a significant goal].
Hope this helps.
See less