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  1. Posted: May 1, 2015In: Student Loglines

    When a self-centered youth's family is captured by an invading army, he trains as a knight before setting out to rescue them. As the kingdom teeters on the brink of collapse, the fate of both his family and kingdom depend upon a single decision. (Improved – hopefully)

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on May 1, 2015 at 9:00 pm

    The way the logline positions the plot points now makes the family getting captured the reason he trains as a night. This makes for a clear cause and effect relationship between the inciting incident the main action and the goal. However at the end of the logline this clarity is taken away when theRead more

    The way the logline positions the plot points now makes the family getting captured the reason he trains as a night. This makes for a clear cause and effect relationship between the inciting incident the main action and the goal.

    However at the end of the logline this clarity is taken away when the logline indicates he may not pursue the goal he set out to initially. This is not a change of approach rather a last minute change of goal better to indicate in a logline a single plot which means a single goal.

    The dilemma whether to defy the knight’s order he trained in or save his family is not central to the plot it is a minor blimp that will (or should) account for no more than 2 minutes of screen time at most. Or else the story is a different one to the one in the logline.

    Hope this helps.

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  2. Posted: April 30, 2015In: Public

    When he’s diagnosed with cancer, a failed writer steals cocaine from a terrifying drug lord to give him the material he needs to write a bestselling screenplay to ensure his family’s future is secure.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on April 30, 2015 at 2:46 pm

    The logic of the premise seams flawed. If he is a writer why does he have to take such a risky action as steal from a drug lord in order to write instead of just making something up? By doing so he may get himself killed before being able to secure his family's future. Secondly it is no great secretRead more

    The logic of the premise seams flawed. If he is a writer why does he have to take such a risky action as steal from a drug lord in order to write instead of just making something up?
    By doing so he may get himself killed before being able to secure his family’s future.

    Secondly it is no great secret that selling a screenplay is a high risk and difficult thing why would he risk so much for such a small chance of success?

    Because of the holes in logic here I find it very hard to suspend my disbelief and go along with the story.

    Hope this helps.

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  3. Posted: April 29, 2015In: Public

    When mysterious deaths in a new subway rail yard seem connected to an ancient curse, a stiff subsurface engineer must team up with a visionary astro-archeologist to secure the tunnel before the subway line opening.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on April 30, 2015 at 2:36 pm

    What is the connection to "...a visionary astro-archeologist..."? Is there such a thing as an archeologist in space or is this a made up science? I ask because it is a bit confusing.

    What is the connection to “…a visionary astro-archeologist…”? Is there such a thing as an archeologist in space or is this a made up science? I ask because it is a bit confusing.

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