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A backyard drug cook tests a new formula on her willing friends. It produces hallucination turning them into murderous, sadistic adversaries. She must survive their attacks as they slip deeper into madness.
The idea of having a bunch of friends turn on each other due to a hallucinogenic drug can be fun but in this instance I find the MC repulsive. She is a drug dealer and she drugged her friends with an experimental un tested drug and now she is in danger of having their drug induced violence harm her.Read more
The idea of having a bunch of friends turn on each other due to a hallucinogenic drug can be fun but in this instance I find the MC repulsive.
She is a drug dealer and she drugged her friends with an experimental un tested drug and now she is in danger of having their drug induced violence harm her… good riddance I say!
The MC has no reason for me to empathize with and her predicament seams fitting to her crime and with the only dramatic drive being her survival I think audience interest in such a story will be little.
Also the goal was hinted at “…they slip deeper into madness.” but not specified. Better to actual mention that she must find a cure or fight her friends to survive etc..
“A backyard drug cook tests a new formula on her willing friends. It produces hallucination…” – is too much without a plot point in a logline.
Structurally she does what she always does makes drugs and then gives these drugs to people, friends or not willing or not this is the norm for her. The only thing that happened out of the norm is these people turned into psychotic killers making this the inciting incident. I suggest getting to this crucial plot point sooner in the logline and creating a scenario in which she is not such a horrible person. Conceivably this would aid the story in being more appealing and interesting as a whole.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen a disgraced former agent starts seeing a hallucination claiming to be a AI downloaded into his mind, he must team with his secretive partner to stop the agent’s former clandestine agency from activating a devastating machine the AI’s designed to protect.
In the current re draft of the logline (which was posted as an edited replacement of the original post) the first sentence: "?When the government reactivates a long lost Cold War computer, two competing A.Is emerge?" describes backstory instead of an inciting incident. The reason this is not the incRead more
In the current re draft of the logline (which was posted as an edited replacement of the original post) the first sentence: “?When the government reactivates a long lost Cold War computer, two competing A.Is emerge?” describes backstory instead of an inciting incident.
The reason this is not the inciting incident is because the MC “…an unfinished, self doubting A.I ?” begins his or her existence from the supposed inciting incident onwards reactivating the computer.
The nature of an inciting incident is to cause a sudden significant change in the life of the MC and force them to take action. By virtue of being bought into existence by the supposed inciting incident the MC is thrust into action. If the audience is viewing this from the dramatic point of view of the MC, then being in conflict with the other AI is the normal existence for the AI. Therefore an inciting incident would need to be a significant event that dramatically changes this norm for the MC and forces him to try and fix things.
Further more this logline describes a situation of conflict as appose to a plot because the MC has no clear goal. By this I mean it is understood that the good AI will want to stop the bad AI and save the world but it is not specified.
Also stopping the bad guy or AI such as in Virtuosity is a vague goal in its own right because it has become a stock standard ambition for most good guys by now; James Bond, Austen Powers and Superman as examples. What exactly will the good AI do to achieve his goal? This could help differentiate between his story and other good guys stories.
Lastly what is his personalty flaw as a fully fledged AI he should have a personality and as a self-aware being he needs to have a journey of change, what is his hero’s journey?
See lessWhen a down and out loser discovers a time portal where he communicates with his arrogant younger self, they attempt to create a lucrative future together, but soon become fierce enemies and a battle for control drives him to the brink of psychosis.
The original logline is too wordy and contains too many descriptions that don't relate directly to the plot. Richiev's version is better but could use cutting of "...but must not destroy his own future." The implicit danger of terminating himself in the present by killing himself in the past is reduRead more
The original logline is too wordy and contains too many descriptions that don’t relate directly to the plot. Richiev’s version is better but could use cutting of “…but must not destroy his own future.”
The implicit danger of terminating himself in the present by killing himself in the past is redundantly reiterated as an additional obstacle to the main one.
“?down and out loser?” is a generic description of the MC what is unique about this character? What is his flaw?
Both of these can make him and his story interesting to watch.
Hope this helps.
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