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A homicide detective goes on the run to prove his innocence after he?s framed for murder by a malevolent police cyber-intelligence.
This re draft is still missing a crucial element the inciting incident i.e starting point. It also adds almost an entire sentence buffer between the begin gin of the logline and the plot. "In a future where past homicides can be viewed in real-time," - is redundant. Better to replace it with an inciRead more
This re draft is still missing a crucial element the inciting incident i.e starting point. It also adds almost an entire sentence buffer between the begin gin of the logline and the plot.
“In a future where past homicides can be viewed in real-time,” – is redundant. Better to replace it with an inciting incident that sets the detective off on his journey to fight to prove his innocence.
See lessA female terrorist forces the son of the president of the U.S. to help her in finding her sister, Lilith, who was abducted by the U.S. government because of Lilith's Godly telekinetic powers.
What is the significants of the terrorist being female? If this is not important to the plot best to drop that description. If there was an eleventh commandment I am sure it would have gone something like this: Thou shall not waist a word in thy logline? The logline is structured so that the presideRead more
What is the significants of the terrorist being female?
If this is not important to the plot best to drop that description.
If there was an eleventh commandment I am sure it would have gone something like this:
Thou shall not waist a word in thy logline?
The logline is structured so that the president’s son is the MC but I can see that you mean the terrorist is the MC. Best to change the structure of the logline to specify first an inciting incident that happens to the terrorist: After her sister is abducted by government agents a young girl?
By defining your MC as a terrorist she is immediately defined as a negative person. Was she a terrorist before her sister was abducted? Did she become a terrorist after her sister was abducted and work for a known terror organisation? If all she is doing is helping her sister she is not a terrorist she is a criminal motivated by love. Best to change her description to a more positive one.
How would she force the presidents son? Would she threaten him? Seduce him? Trick him? Best to specify as this is a major plot hole. It would be highly unlikely that just anyone could approach the first family with ease enough to force one of them to do something against their will. What is the special way in which the MC gets around this difficulty?
The wording of the logline puts emphasis on the end of act one (“…forces the son of the president?”) the end of act 3 (“…finding her sister?”), back story and inciting incident in the wrong order (“…who was abducted by the U.S. government because of Lilith’s Godly telekinetic powers.”). But explains ver little of what happens in act 2 the majority of the film.
I recommend for the next draft of the logline to change the structure to having an inciting incident happen to the MC at the begging with a different character description then describe the main action the MC ail take throughout the film then the antagonist and the goal.
Hope this helps.
See lessBrothers battle it out for their senile dad?s inheritance while they encounter unforeseen changes in their DNA due to an alien entity.
The latest draft of the logline is more succinct but presented no clarifying changes and lacks an inciting incident better to specify it than infer it: After their father dies two brothers? Why are there two protagonists? Obviously they are both equally deserving of the inheritance so if you pin theRead more
The latest draft of the logline is more succinct but presented no clarifying changes and lacks an inciting incident better to specify it than infer it: After their father dies two brothers?
Why are there two protagonists? Obviously they are both equally deserving of the inheritance so if you pin them up against each other they both come across as inappropriate when trying to get more than the other.
Why would the audience root for both whilst being not nice and inappropriate? More so in a dual protagonist plot both characters need to take the same action to achieve the same goal only with two separate inner journeys. Here you have two protagonists taking the same action to achieve two contradicting goals what will result in ongoing shifting dramatic points of view throughout the film. This will dilute the experience and likely weaken the plot around each character.
Perhaps specify a single protagonist and have him try to do the right thing but have the other brother be the antagonist. Then you have a clear driving goal to drive the plot with a MC the audience wants to see on his journey.
Lastly I still don’t see the connection to alien technology, extra terrestrial life or off planet DNA infections how ever you word it these are all external to the plot. They present complications that don’t contribute to the stakes, obstacles or antagonistic forces and introduce genre confusion.
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