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Brothers battle it out for their senile dad?s inheritance while they encounter unforeseen changes in their DNA due to an alien entity.
Don't confuse curiosity for confusion. Having two unrelated separate subject matters with two separate plot elements that don't set each other up will be confusing. However if you use one to setup the other and demonstrate a clear and direct connection but hide the details you will get curiosity thiRead more
Don’t confuse curiosity for confusion.
Having two unrelated separate subject matters with two separate plot elements that don’t set each other up will be confusing.
However if you use one to setup the other and demonstrate a clear and direct connection but hide the details you will get curiosity this logline does;t achieve that.
See lessDesperate for independence from his workaholic parents, a smart but lazy teenage boy starts his own business but discovers he must take risks to succeed.
What is the MC's goal? The logline lacks the clarity a single driving goal gives a story. What is the inciting incident? What is the event that starts off the story and pushes the MC to take action to achieve the goal? If his parents are workaholics then they would hardly have the time to spend withRead more
What is the MC’s goal? The logline lacks the clarity a single driving goal gives a story.
What is the inciting incident? What is the event that starts off the story and pushes the MC to take action to achieve the goal?
If his parents are workaholics then they would hardly have the time to spend with him and monitor his every move. As such the character description don’t support the motivations stated best to describe the parents differently to justify why he is desperate for independence and wants to get away from them.
“…smart but lazy?” doesn’t support him starting a business same problem as the above character description doesn’t support the action he takes. Also what business? Instead of a generic noun use a specific description i.e; selling furniture or day trading etc?
“…he must take risks to succeed.” is too vague to be in a logline what risks exactly as these will make it interesting for the audience.
Lastly there seams to be little if any cause and effect between the separate story elements and character descriptions. Perhaps use the parents business drive against them and have them send the MC away to boarding school against his wishes. Then have the MC start up a competing business to the parents in order to teach them a lesson that way you can connect the event that starts the story to his actions and goal.
Hope this helps.
See lessBrothers battle it out for their senile dad?s inheritance while they encounter unforeseen changes in their DNA due to an alien entity.
The first half of this logline reads well and made me interested in the story about sibling rivalry but the second half of the logline was entirely unrelated and derailed the concept into a poorly setup scifi story. Re consider redrafting this into two separate loglines one about the brothers, bestRead more
The first half of this logline reads well and made me interested in the story about sibling rivalry but the second half of the logline was entirely unrelated and derailed the concept into a poorly setup scifi story.
Re consider redrafting this into two separate loglines one about the brothers, best to pick one as the main character, and one about a man with changing DNA due to alien genes.
About the brothers, better to start off a logline with an inciting incident and give the MC a related goal:
After his father dies an accountant must fight his brother to get his inheritance and save the family home.
About the alien DNA, what does “…due to an alien entity…” mean? Is there an entity inside of him? Is there an entity living in his house? Does he know about the entity or is he unaware of it? What does the entity want? What is the entity doing on earth?
Too many questions raised in a confusing and not intriguing way.
After an alien crash lands in a man’s house he must hide the alien and the DNA changes happening to him in order to help the alien recover and fly back home.
(Kind of sounds like ET though?)
Hope this helps.
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