1. Posted: April 16, 2015In:

    A nostalgic adventurer returns to Greece to avoid the sale of his grand parents house in a week, but faces his coquettish parents who reject his lifestyle and blackmail him with the house, and his sandbox love as a badass broker who needs every cent during the financial crisis.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    HI Savinho. I find this sentence confusing and too wordy for a logline. Just to be clear: The main character is the adventurer. The main character flaw is being nostalgic. The main character's goal is to prevent his grandparents house from being sold. The antagonists are his parents. I know what youRead more

    HI Savinho.

    I find this sentence confusing and too wordy for a logline.

    Just to be clear:
    The main character is the adventurer.

    The main character flaw is being nostalgic.

    The main character’s goal is to prevent his grandparents house from being sold.

    The antagonists are his parents.

    I know what you are trying to do with the love interest but it is only confusing the issue as “…his sandbox love as a badass broker who needs every cent during the financial crisis.” is a badly structured description with little relation to the plot described up to that point in the logline.

    Don’t use cryptic and “clever” descriptions or statements (“…sandbox love…” or “…coquettish parents…” or “…the financial crisis.” – which or who’s financial crisis?) as they come across as presumptuous and miss placed.

    Better to just describe the main character and his or her goal and actions to achieving that goal. All the rest are just flowery descriptions and sub plot elements that detract from the main plot at hand.

    Hope this helps.

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  2. Posted: April 16, 2015In:

    When a deadbeat wakes up trapped in a alternate reality, he is shocked to discover he's there to help a small resistance take down an alternate version of himself who rules with seemingly God like powers.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Great comments from Richiev I will only add that the antagonist needs to be a bit more specifically referred to as an alternate version of him self as appose to himself and it is still too wordy. e.g: When a deadbeat is transported to an alternate reality, he discovers that there his alternate selfRead more

    Great comments from Richiev I will only add that the antagonist needs to be a bit more specifically referred to as an alternate version of him self as appose to himself and it is still too wordy.

    e.g:
    When a deadbeat is transported to an alternate reality, he discovers that there his alternate self rules with tyrannical God like powers and he must lead the resistance against the tyrant to save the people.?

    Hope this helps.

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  3. Posted: April 16, 2015In:

    A homicide detective goes on the run to prove his innocence after he?s framed for murder by a malevolent police cyber-intelligence.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Good re draft of the logline but better I think to position the inciting incident earlier so we know where and when the story started to get a sense of the journey. i.e: After a serial killer he put on death row rises from the dead a detective must hunt down the madman before he murders the detectivRead more

    Good re draft of the logline but better I think to position the inciting incident earlier so we know where and when the story started to get a sense of the journey.
    i.e:
    After a serial killer he put on death row rises from the dead a detective must hunt down the madman before he murders the detectives family.

    Don’t be afraid of the supernatural in your story even if it is actually not the case and there is a perfectly logical explanation for the reincarnation let it live as a supernatural element in the logline. Assuming that part of the suspense will be experiencing the fear of the unknown super natural throughout the film with the anticipation of the logical explanation by the end.

    Also the end of days extermination is a bit unrelated, out of the blue and lends itself to being questionably plausible, I changed it to his own family as it also makes the goal personal for the MC.

    Hope this helps.

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