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A perfectionist middle-aged business consultant gets in contact with his childhood sweetheart by an older letter which reminds him of their promise to marry with 35 years, but his flare up feelings are against his lonely structured lifestyle and she is already engaged and will marry soon.
This logline could use a good dose of linguistic economy and grammar corrections but first I question the character motivations. MC - business consultant Goal - Get the girl Antagonist - Girl's fianc? MC flaw - perfectionism Inciting incident - finding a letter If the only reason the MC suddenly wanRead more
This logline could use a good dose of linguistic economy and grammar corrections but first I question the character motivations.
MC – business consultant
Goal – Get the girl
Antagonist – Girl’s fianc?
MC flaw – perfectionism
Inciting incident – finding a letter
If the only reason the MC suddenly wants the girl is this letter he found (from which his old emotions are flared up) then his love for her seams unbelievable and his motivation lacking.
Consider Gatsby dedicated his life from the moment he met Daisy to “getting the girl” every action he took was aimed at making him a suitable man for marriage and was part of his efforts to marry Daisy. This MC doesn’t seam to have as well established a motivation as Gatsby and his love for the girl comes across as more of a temporary emotion he is reminded of. As a result the stakes are not high enough to make his story interesting not as interesting as Jay Gatsby’s anyhow to inspire 4 film iterations after the novel was written.
If however you make him a romantic obsessed with the girl and make him devote his life to pursuing her (in a none creepy stalker way). Then the devastation from learning of her engagement to another man raises the stakes and his actions become compelling.
About the structure of the logline better to simplify the descriptions used for the MC being either a perfectionist or middle aged have little baring on him as a business man or a man in love. What is one characteristic you can use to describe him that would make it harder for him to achieve his goal?
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen images of a past that is not his own almost get a CIA Agent killed on assignment, he disobeys orders to search for the mysterious woman from his vision, but must evade his own agency who’ve made him a target to keep them from meeting.
Definitely too many words used to describe the elements of the story in this logline as Richiev explained. Best to employ economy in a logline describe less crucial elements more accurately than more vaguely. The inciting incident is not clearly enough defined, currently you have: "...begins to expeRead more
Definitely too many words used to describe the elements of the story in this logline as Richiev explained.
Best to employ economy in a logline describe less crucial elements more accurately than more vaguely.
The inciting incident is not clearly enough defined, currently you have: “…begins to experience memories of another life,” This means he sees stuff inside his head it is not very cinematic, subjectively perceived as a product of his own imagination and lacks a specific position on the story’s time line.
Also if these are indeed memories in his mind, he should not be able to distinguish between them being from another life or his own as far as he should be concerned they are his. You can then make him discover later that they were planted in his mind by someone or he has a supernatural connection with another mind.
Lastly memories from another life lacks detail because we don’t know what these memories are. Best to describe the nature of the memories to specify what it is he is up against.
Perhaps better to describe the inciting incident as a powerful event which significant effects on his life were objectively noticed by others around him and made the spectacle more cinematic.
For example: After visions of a brutal murder from his passed cause a CIA agent to crash his car he goes against orders to find a woman from his vision only to become targets themselves.
Hope this helps.
See lessA devout college athlete, raised under an assumed identity, must defy his felonious mother to uncover the truth about his missing dad.
Agreed with DPG I think the hint at the conflict between his religious beliefs and his true feeling about his parents will be lost on most people and offers little contribution to the degree of interest in the story.
Agreed with DPG I think the hint at the conflict between his religious beliefs and his true feeling about his parents will be lost on most people and offers little contribution to the degree of interest in the story.
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