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  1. Posted: April 14, 2015In: Public

    After an unsuccessful journalist from Greece, who lives at subsistence level, and his childhood sweetheart from Germany meet again, he wants to prove to her that their relationship can work, and that he can bring structure in his chaotic life before she carries back to her job as a flight attendant.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on April 15, 2015 at 10:55 am

    I understand the technical meaning of the words ?subsistence level?? but what I was asking was what it meant in cinematic terms? How does this look and what direct effect would it have on his actions? Other wise lying about ones financial condition is not conflict it is an act of desperation. ConfliRead more

    I understand the technical meaning of the words ?subsistence level?? but what I was asking was what it meant in cinematic terms?

    How does this look and what direct effect would it have on his actions?

    Other wise lying about ones financial condition is not conflict it is an act of desperation. Conflict comes from the creation of two opposing goals in either separate characters or the one.

    I still don’t see a clear description of the antagonistic force keeping them apart outside of status specified in his financial and professional position.

    For this story no matter the characters best to focus on what is keeping them apart at this stage then create layers in the character and irony in their actions.

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  2. Posted: April 14, 2015In: Public

    After an unsuccessful journalist from Greece, who lives at subsistence level, and his childhood sweetheart from Germany meet again, he wants to prove to her that their relationship can work, and that he can bring structure in his chaotic life before she carries back to her job as a flight attendant.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on April 14, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    The wording and structure are confusing in this logline. Better to use less words and mention less detail about the characters backgrounds and describe the action and goals clearly. The character description of the MC is confusing in its relation to the plot. How does being an "...unsuccessful journRead more

    The wording and structure are confusing in this logline. Better to use less words and mention less detail about the characters backgrounds and describe the action and goals clearly.

    The character description of the MC is confusing in its relation to the plot.
    How does being an “…unsuccessful journalist…” or being from Greece relate to him wanting and not having the girl? And what does “…subsistence level?” mean?

    This is a boy meets girl story and as with all boy meets girl stories what makes them interesting is not the setting or period rather what keeps the boy and girl apart. Therefore a logline describing a boy meets girl story needs to have a unique and interesting force that keeps the boy and girl apart. This is what they need to over come to be together and will constitute most of act 2.

    The current draft of the logline outlines that his chaotic life is what made her want to stay away from him. This means that it is an internal change that needs to occur in the main character for him to get the girl. This is good as an inner journey goal for the main character to arch around throughout the story but poor as an external journey actions to take for the outer goal.

    What external objective goal can you give the MC that will force him to take action (cinematically visible action) in order to get the girl?

    Hope this helps.

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  3. Posted: April 14, 2015In: Public

    A devout college athlete, raised under an assumed identity, must defy his felonious mother to uncover the truth about his missing dad.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on April 14, 2015 at 12:15 pm

    The plot in this logline seams to lack a starting point, what is the inciting incident? Why must the athlete need to find the truth now? I don't understand what is at stake here if his mother is a bad person and he is in college he is old enough to do what he wants and has no reason to comply with tRead more

    The plot in this logline seams to lack a starting point, what is the inciting incident? Why must the athlete need to find the truth now?

    I don’t understand what is at stake here if his mother is a bad person and he is in college he is old enough to do what he wants and has no reason to comply with the evil mother.

    Lastly the goal is vague what does “…uncover the truth?” mean? Is the father a criminal and he wants to track him down as an act of revenge and have him arrested? Or is the father a genius that invented a car that runs on water and was kidnapped by oil companies? Or was the dad a secret agent that fell captive behind enemy lines?

    Lastly the main character description is disjointed as there are 3 different descriptions: a devout person ,a college student and an athlete these don’t compound each other to describe a compelling character flaw that will present an obstacle for him to overcome. But equally these don’t describe a characteristic that will be a strength he will employ to achieve his goal.

    What type of character would the main character need to be in order to need to go on this journey and learn to be a better person? What skills does he possess that will aid him in his action to achieve the outer journey goal?

    Hope this helps.

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