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Abducted as a small child, a college hoop star must endure a season of unexpected obstacles when he sets out to find his long-lost dad.
It is getting a bit confusing as this same concept has been posted many times with several iterations of the same idea in several different posts. Bellow are a few of the comments I made in a different post of the same idea, most of them still apply... The latest draft of the logline is much more coRead more
It is getting a bit confusing as this same concept has been posted many times with several iterations of the same idea in several different posts. Bellow are a few of the comments I made in a different post of the same idea, most of them still apply…
The latest draft of the logline is much more concise but the elements in it are still too vague.
?unexpected obstacles ?? or “…dark family secret?” need to be specific for a reader to want to know how the MC will over come them to create intrigue and help shape the plot structure.
“Disbelieving his depraved mother that he is illegitimate,” is not an inciting incident and will likely, in modern day cinema, not convince most audiences that he is powerfully motivated.
What makes the MC go on his journey external and internal? What is the inciting incident? Why must he set out to find the father now?
“…godly college hoop star..” = He is religious and he is a college student and he is a successful athlete but none of the descriptions relate to and increase each other in a compound effect. The character descriptions come across as confusing, why is he godly? How does this relate to the plot? How does this explain his motivations? How does this illustrate an obstacle for him to overcome as part of an inner journey?
Read DPGs comments carefully he explains very well how the potential connection will be lost on 99% of people.
Lastly the stakes are unclear still, why must he find his long lost dad? What is so bad that will happen if he doesn?t?
See lessTwo best friends with Down Syndrome are ecstatic to discover that they have been selected to test Hoogle?s new technology: the Hoogle Hat. But when the hat seems to brainwash the other test subjects, they realize that they are the only people who can stop Hoogle from taking over the world.
Best to avoid unnecessary lengthy descriptions and overly wordy sentences in a logline. Get strait to the plot i.e: A significant event happens to a main character, with a specific flaw, that must take action to achieve a clear objective goal.
Best to avoid unnecessary lengthy descriptions and overly wordy sentences in a logline. Get strait to the plot i.e:
See lessA significant event happens to a main character, with a specific flaw, that must take action to achieve a clear objective goal.
A devout college athlete, raised under an assumed identity, must defy his felonious mother to uncover the truth about his missing dad.
The latest draft of the logline is much more concise and easier to understand but the elements in it are still too vague. "...unexpected obstacles ?" these need to be specific for a reader to want to know how the MC will over come them to create intrigue and help with structuring the plot. What makeRead more
The latest draft of the logline is much more concise and easier to understand but the elements in it are still too vague.
“…unexpected obstacles ?” these need to be specific for a reader to want to know how the MC will over come them to create intrigue and help with structuring the plot.
What makes the MC go on his journey external and internal? What is the inciting incident? Why must he set out to find the father now?
Lastly the stakes are unclear still, why must he find his long lost dad? What is so bad that will happen if he doesn’t?
See less