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A low-level thief goes back in time to alter his family’s life for the better, but discovers his changes have created a new timeline where his wife is dead. As he attempts to reset the timeline, he’ll find himself hunted by his powerful alternate self who’s determined to hold onto this new future.
The plot is unclear as a result of the structure in the logline and cluttering details. "A "Never Try, Never Fail" type?" - is a strange description for the MC can you use a shorter and more specific description? Perhaps describe his job or position in society as well. "... is given the chance to alRead more
The plot is unclear as a result of the structure in the logline and cluttering details.
“A “Never Try, Never Fail” type?” – is a strange description for the MC can you use a shorter and more specific description? Perhaps describe his job or position in society as well.
“… is given the chance to alter his mediocre life when he is visited by his future self,?” – If the inciting incident is his future self visiting him, there is no need for the first part of this sentence. You can start the logline with: After being visited by his future self? then give a short character description and get into the action.
“?they’ll only have 48hours to reset the timeline before Earth’s fate is sealed.” – there is no direct cause and effect relationship between this goal and the inciting incident. When I read “…is visited by his future self?” I strait away thought, as previously mentioned, Bruce Willis from “Looper” or Biff from Back to The Future. But reading about sealing Earths fate was entirely out of the blue.
Lastly the stakes are not clear, what does “…before Earth’s fate is sealed.” mean? Will the Earth blow up? Will the people of Earth be taken over be war lords? What is the big bad thing the MC will fight to stop?
Hope this helps.
See lessIn the future, much of the population has chosen to live inside a virtual utopia, but when a routine upgrade goes awry and creates an AI hell bent on wiping the system clean of humanity, a plucky young programme must choose between his people or face deletion with his adoptive human family.
You are using too many words to describe a plot. Regardless the complexity of the setting and the difference to our "normal" world the plot is what should dominate a logline and currently this draft reads more like a watered down description of an intricate world. Take Avatar as an example, like theRead more
You are using too many words to describe a plot. Regardless the complexity of the setting and the difference to our “normal” world the plot is what should dominate a logline and currently this draft reads more like a watered down description of an intricate world.
Take Avatar as an example, like the movie or not, Avatar was one of the most successful movies of all times and was set in an equally complex world with many intricate details. However the logline for Avatar focus on Jake’s plot not the world, setting or background.
In this instance you could do away with many of the descriptions and cut to the chase, figuratively and literally, and start with the inciting incident:
After a rouge AI threatens to wipe out humanity in a virtual Earth of the future…
I would be weary of scifi stories that priorities VFX over story. Nothing in this logline is particularly original and would likely not impress most executives or producers. It is very hard to do so with heavy VFX and grand setting movies now days but it would be far more likely that a producer or executive would be impressed with a good story.
As it stands the main character is a young program, can a program have an age? Or is it a program of a young boy? Best to depict the MC as humanly as possible.
What does “…choose between his people or face deletion with his adoptive human family?” mean?
This statement is creating confusion not intrigue.
Are these flesh and blood humans or humans that uploaded their consciousness to the virtual grid? Is the MC a person to have his own people or is he a program? In this future virtual world there is an adoption plan for programs why? Can there be orphan programs? In a virtual world anyone can reprogram themselves to be able to bare children why need to adopt? Why does humanity choose to live in a virtual world? How could most of humanity unanimously agree on such a drastic move?
Make the stakes clearer and the details plausible yet include only information vital to understanding the plot not the setting. There are too many questions raised by this logline that distract from understanding the plot at hand and place the suspension of disbelief in doubt at this early stage.
Lastly this logline describes a weak plot because there is no clear goal for the MC to achieve. The logline ends on a dilemma not action: “…choose between his people or face deletion?”. What could make this an interesting story to watch is the action he does after making his choice as appose to making the choice.
Hope this helps.
See less9 years after the sanguinary massacre of the royal family of demons, planned by the United States, Barbara, one of the two sisters who escaped the massacre, seeks revenge and is in search to find her 10 year old sister, who was later abducted by the government of the United States, because of her sister's godly black magic abilities that could be used to turn the United States into a worldwide empire and to resurrect Goddess Isis, of Babylon. 17 year old terrorist Barbara forces the son of the president of the United States to betray his own country and join her on the expedition to find her sister, which leads to the revelation of the grotesque plans the United States (Illuminati) has up its sleeve and the end of everything.
There is an obvious problem with structure and logline conventions in the original post. Check out this page for help with lolgline conventions and basic structure: https://loglines.org/howto/ For the next draft of the logline best to simplify the story to deal with less subject matter, one clear anRead more
There is an obvious problem with structure and logline conventions in the original post. Check out this page for help with lolgline conventions and basic structure:
https://loglines.org/howto/
For the next draft of the logline best to simplify the story to deal with less subject matter, one clear and objective outer journey goal and cause and effect relationship between the inciting incident and the goal.
Hope this helps.
See less