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An archaeology student discovers three Angels in a tomb, who were violently made into humans by God. She reluctantly aids them in a search for a scared book to restore them to their natural form, so that they can exact their revenge and stop the “End of Times.”
Interesting subject matter and sounds like this has potential but the logline is cryptic and vague in its descriptions. What is the inciting incident that starts off the story? Use this at the beginning of the logline then go into further detail about the plot. The goal "...stop an oncoming apocalypRead more
Interesting subject matter and sounds like this has potential but the logline is cryptic and vague in its descriptions.
What is the inciting incident that starts off the story? Use this at the beginning of the logline then go into further detail about the plot.
The goal “…stop an oncoming apocalypse.” seems a bit out of the blue as it doesn’t follow on logically from the previous events. Helping angels get their wings back could happen regardless of the apocalypse, how do these angles directly relate to stopping the apocalypse?
The description used to for them becoming human “…violently?” is confusing. What does “…violently made human?” mean?
Is this related to the plot of the MC achieving his goal? If not best to drop it from the logline and describe his allies as; “fallen angels” or “angles forced into mortality”.
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter he's framed for murder, a young man must go on the run from the CIA with a ruthless assassin in order to shut down the black market crime syndicate that killed his parents and stop a devastating terrorist attack.
Great setup with a good inciting incident and personal motivations. However the inciting incident doesn't directly necessitate the goal i.e: MC is framed for murder does not relate to the need to stop a terrorist attack. Best to drop the dual goal for the MC and focus on one goal driving the MC, thaRead more
Great setup with a good inciting incident and personal motivations. However the inciting incident doesn’t directly necessitate the goal i.e: MC is framed for murder does not relate to the need to stop a terrorist attack.
Best to drop the dual goal for the MC and focus on one goal driving the MC, that being bringing down the crime syndicate. On that note better to specify the way in which he will bring them down and describe the specifics of his fight against the bad guys.
Is there one big mob boss he will fight? Are there many henchmen he must fight? Will he join the syndicate and climb his way to the top in order to do away with the big bad guy? Will he find incriminating evidence about the syndicate and leak it to the authorities?
Lastly “..young man?” is too generic a description for a MC. Can you give him a more specific and clear description that preferably outlines a flaw for him to overcome before achieving his goal?
Hope this helps.
See lessAt a popular theme park the new dancer/actor must try to survive and find the killer when employees begin to disappear and die before she becomes their next victim.
This draft of the logline is a huge improvement on the previous ones, well done! Only problem is in the structure of the logline. As it is suppose to emulate the structure of the plot in the script best to specify the inciting incident first then character description/flaw then action then antagonisRead more
This draft of the logline is a huge improvement on the previous ones, well done!
Only problem is in the structure of the logline. As it is suppose to emulate the structure of the plot in the script best to specify the inciting incident first then character description/flaw then action then antagonist.
And I think Richiev nailed it with his last iteration I would only add a mention of the antagonist to help either raise the stakes at hand or create intrigue.
My try:
After her best friend disappears at the local theme park, an unpopular new dancer vows to catch the mysterious vicious killer but risks becoming his next victim her self.
Hope this helps.
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