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After his family is kidnapped and sold to English slavers by renegade Fante tribesmen, Ashanti tribal warrior Mwabo embarks on a perilous voyage across the Atlantic to the sugarcane plantations of modern day Jamaica in search of his wife and son, where he leads a slave rebellion against the tyrannical white masters to reclaim his family's freedom and liberate his fellow Africans from the misery of enslavement.
"...There?s a lot going on in this story to cram it all into." is probably the case with most writers and their loglines here and else where. But as mentioned above include in your logline only the bare essentials for the main plot to be understood and no more. Inciting incident that made the MC ofRead more
“…There?s a lot going on in this story to cram it all into.” is probably the case with most writers and their loglines here and else where. But as mentioned above include in your logline only the bare essentials for the main plot to be understood and no more.
Inciting incident that made the MC of this description need to achieve his clear goal despite the obstacle/antagonist.
If the bare bones of the story work then the reader will understand how complex the epic saga is.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen an out spoken video gamer returns home to care for her injured father. She must enter into and win a video game tournament to keep her fathers farm.
What is the inciting incident? As in what makes her want to gather a team and win the tournament? Was it her father's sickness or the foreclosure? Either way pick one and specify that as the starting point for the story that kicked it off. This way the reader will get a clearer idea of where and howRead more
What is the inciting incident? As in what makes her want to gather a team and win the tournament?
Was it her father’s sickness or the foreclosure? Either way pick one and specify that as the starting point for the story that kicked it off. This way the reader will get a clearer idea of where and how the story begins and where it could go.
Also what is her major character flaw that she needs to overcome? Would be good to add this into her character description to allude at her inner journey and character trajectory.
Hope this helps.
See lessBased on real events. “After a decorated Wehrmacht officer?s family accidentally is sent to a Nazi death camp he must save them before the camp commandant dismantles the camp and kills all the inmates.”
This concept has undergone many iterations and it is nice to see it evolve the way it has. The latest draft describes an intense situation with high stakes and has the potential to be a great story. However it still fails to intrigue me in a way that makes me want to watch the film. This may fall agRead more
This concept has undergone many iterations and it is nice to see it evolve the way it has. The latest draft describes an intense situation with high stakes and has the potential to be a great story.
However it still fails to intrigue me in a way that makes me want to watch the film. This may fall again to personal taste but may also be indicative of a fundamental problem with the concept.
Considering your latest draft of the logline. The transport trains used to move inmates to death camps in Nazi Germany were horrendous meat packs at the best of times. I would find it very hard to believe that a sensible person could just stumble into one by mistake thinking it is a holiday train.
Even if she was forced into the train it would bare reason that she would see something is wrong and begin her resistance at this stage as appose to when she arrives at the death camp.
Further if they are in a dismantling death camp we still don’t know what her goal is. The previous logline defined them as gassed immediately which ends the story all together so that didn’t work either.
What goal could you give her to pursue? Whether or not she achieves it is less important what is important is giving her a clear goal.
Lastly I write the following note with the upmost of respect as well as the intention of helping and nothing else.
It is disturbing to read you describe the operatives in the death camp as “…technicians…”. As appose to Nazi soldiers on the front fighting for their country these people knew very well what they were doing and why. The acts these people undertook transcended following orders and changed them from soldiers to killers, savage and inhumane at that.
I strongly suggest you change your descriptions as this may offend potential investors and producers. To that end I think better you reconsider your treatment of the subject matter and the delicacy it requires for some.
Hope this helps.
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