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A man?s drunken persona comes to life revealing a dark side.
This is hinting at a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde type story but fails to specify a main character and goal. Who is the story about and what does he or she want to achieve? Hope this helps.
This is hinting at a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde type story but fails to specify a main character and goal.
Who is the story about and what does he or she want to achieve?
Hope this helps.
See lessA week after having leg surgery for which he would need 3 months rest, a 45 year old poor night guard returns to work in order to not loose his job and keep providing for his family. He encounters a group of burglars in a building garage and is unable to stop them.
Understood. With the goal being the job I suggest reveres engineering the story from that. "...while his facial expression showed increasingly more despair." Maybe Brando could have been able to pull this off but even then its a week cinematic end visual. Being a short film you could arguably get awRead more
Understood.
With the goal being the job I suggest reveres engineering the story from that.
“…while his facial expression showed increasingly more despair.” Maybe Brando could have been able to pull this off but even then its a week cinematic end visual.
Being a short film you could arguably get away with a less than ideal resolution to the story but I strongly suggest re thinking the end. Better to give the story a definitive ending giving the audience the complete emotional experience and maybe after the resolution plant a seed of doubt with a bit of irony. In his rush did he miss one of the burglars? Are the burglars going to get off by bribing the cops that he called to the scene? etc…
“I also thought of making the main character a little bit cocky or arrogant, …” why would the audience then care about the MC? In a short better to make the MC a sympathetic one from the start as there is very little time to build his character and help the audience like him.
Main Character: poor night guard
Flaw: cocky/arrogant – better to change this.
Goal: to keep his job
Obstacle: burglars – these should be the antagonists
Antagonist: pain in his legs – a sensation is not an antagonist better to make the antagonist a sentient being that will appose the MC and continuously try to stifle his efforts.
Inciting Incident: this is night his supervisors will be evaluating them – This was always going to be the night his supervisor was going to evaluate him, what event happened that night that was different to any other night? What event changed the MC’s world forcing him to take action?
Inner journey: going from overconfidence to despair – better to make the inner journey a change for the better in the MC particularly in short films for example from naive to street wise or from coward to brave.
See lessA week after having leg surgery for which he would need 3 months rest, a 45 year old poor night guard returns to work in order to not loose his job and keep providing for his family. He encounters a group of burglars in a building garage and is unable to stop them.
Understood. With the goal being the job I suggest reveres engineering the story from that. "...while his facial expression showed increasingly more despair." Maybe Brando could have been able to pull this off but even then its a week cinematic end visual. Being a short film you could arguably get awRead more
Understood.
With the goal being the job I suggest reveres engineering the story from that.
“…while his facial expression showed increasingly more despair.” Maybe Brando could have been able to pull this off but even then its a week cinematic end visual.
Being a short film you could arguably get away with a less than ideal resolution to the story but I strongly suggest re thinking the end. Better to give the story a definitive ending giving the audience the complete emotional experience and maybe after the resolution plant a seed of doubt with a bit of irony. In his rush did he miss one of the burglars? Are the burglars going to get off by bribing the cops that he called to the scene? etc…
“I also thought of making the main character a little bit cocky or arrogant, …” why would the audience then care about the MC? In a short better to make the MC a sympathetic one from the start as there is very little time to build his character and help the audience like him.
Main Character: poor night guard
Flaw: cocky/arrogant – better to change this.
Goal: to keep his job
Obstacle: burglars – these should be the antagonists
Antagonist: pain in his legs – a sensation is not an antagonist better to make the antagonist a sentient being that will appose the MC and continuously try to stifle his efforts.
Inciting Incident: this is night his supervisors will be evaluating them – This was always going to be the night his supervisor was going to evaluate him, what event happened that night that was different to any other night? What event changed the MC’s world forcing him to take action?
Inner journey: going from overconfidence to despair – better to make the inner journey a change for the better in the MC particularly in short films for example from naive to street wise or from coward to brave.
See less