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A teenage vigilante with a warped view of reality and superheroes must save his hometown in the aftermath of a disastrous earthquake and the arrival of a dangerous pyromaniac.
Try reversing the order of the story elements in the logline. What I mean is the arrival of the pyromaniac is the inciting incident (I think) and accordingly the earthquake seams unrelated as it occurred before the story started. For example: After the arrival of a dangerous pyromaniac to a small toRead more
Try reversing the order of the story elements in the logline. What I mean is the arrival of the pyromaniac is the inciting incident (I think) and accordingly the earthquake seams unrelated as it occurred before the story started.
For example:
After the arrival of a dangerous pyromaniac to a small town a main character must do something in order to save someone…
Also if the MC is “A teenage vigilante with a warped view of reality…” I think he or she would make a difficult MC for the audience to care about and want watch achieve a goal. Not forgetting that these is a long description and a vague one at that, what does a warped view of reality mean? Warped in what way?
Perhaps describe the MC differently, what quality does he or she possess that will make their journey harder and more significant for them to go on? Then use this as the basis to structure the MC description.
“…and superheores…” not sure how superheroes fit in to the frame work of the premise. If this is a super hero story then perhaps describe the MC in a way that reflects this other wise this is just an added on element that doesn’t seam directly related.
Hope this helps.
See lessA teenage vigilante with a warped view of reality and superheroes must save his hometown in the aftermath of a disastrous earthquake and the arrival of a dangerous pyromaniac.
Try reversing the order of the story elements in the logline. What I mean is the arrival of the pyromaniac is the inciting incident (I think) and accordingly the earthquake seams unrelated as it occurred before the story started. For example: After the arrival of a dangerous pyromaniac to a small toRead more
Try reversing the order of the story elements in the logline. What I mean is the arrival of the pyromaniac is the inciting incident (I think) and accordingly the earthquake seams unrelated as it occurred before the story started.
For example:
After the arrival of a dangerous pyromaniac to a small town a main character must do something in order to save someone…
Also if the MC is “A teenage vigilante with a warped view of reality…” I think he or she would make a difficult MC for the audience to care about and want watch achieve a goal. Not forgetting that these is a long description and a vague one at that, what does a warped view of reality mean? Warped in what way?
Perhaps describe the MC differently, what quality does he or she possess that will make their journey harder and more significant for them to go on? Then use this as the basis to structure the MC description.
“…and superheores…” not sure how superheroes fit in to the frame work of the premise. If this is a super hero story then perhaps describe the MC in a way that reflects this other wise this is just an added on element that doesn’t seam directly related.
Hope this helps.
See lessA single, middle aged, Jr.High teacher that is addicted to Demerol, seeks redemption by trying to save an abused student from a father that happens to be her dealer.
Interesting premise as it has many layers of sub plots that reflect on each other. The MC being a drug addict seeking redemption is a tricky character as the story will have to work extra hard to justify empathy but seeing as his goal is to save a girl from the same life he has the story has a builtRead more
Interesting premise as it has many layers of sub plots that reflect on each other. The MC being a drug addict seeking redemption is a tricky character as the story will have to work extra hard to justify empathy but seeing as his goal is to save a girl from the same life he has the story has a built in empathy generator.
It would help a lot if the MC’s journey to quit could be directly related to him stopping the girl either that or if the MC would find himself facing a choice of self sacrifice in order to help the girl.
As it stands the logline is missing the starting point what was the inciting incident for him to help the girl?
Also the logline needs leaning up perhaps:
After a drug addicted teacher discovers one of his student injecting heroin he must stop her from ruining her life despite her father being her dealer.
The father character as the antagonist needs more clarification, than I gave in the example above, in his relation to the plot and type of antagonist but this is the structure and length I was referring to.
Hope this helps.
See less