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Leon Walsh is a successful husband, father, and businessman? who happens to be embattled in a deadly, Northern California turf war with the Cartel.
No need to mention the main character's name and better to shrink his description to less words such as When a father of three is or when a successful business man or when a loving family man. In a good story there is no such thing as "...happens to be..." there are tailor made characteristics and eRead more
No need to mention the main character’s name and better to shrink his description to less words such as When a father of three is or when a successful business man or when a loving family man.
In a good story there is no such thing as “…happens to be…” there are tailor made characteristics and events made to put the MC in the worst possible position for him or her to fight there way out of. better to describe the event that forces the MC to do battle with the antagonist.
I gather “…the Cartel.” is the antagonist but the description lacks specificity. By using the definite article “…the…” you imply the reader knows of the cartel but no information was given prior. Better to add an adjective and ideally let it describe the type of antagonist the MC will be up against. For example: sadistic drug-cartel, human trafficking cartel, illegal organ harvesting cartel… etc.
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter an attack turns him half-man half-abortion, an obstetrician uses newfound abilities to exact revenge on the attackers as his inner demon threatens to become flesh and kill him.
I wouldn't necessarily worry about a 30 word count just yet. If you are using the logline as a structuring tool then 30 words is more of a guide line for keeping it short than a necessity and can go over 30 words whilst still describe a good story and well. If you have already completed the screenplRead more
I wouldn’t necessarily worry about a 30 word count just yet.
If you are using the logline as a structuring tool then 30 words is more of a guide line for keeping it short than a necessity and can go over 30 words whilst still describe a good story and well. If you have already completed the screenplay and are composing a logline for pitching purposes then best to to keep it under 30 words.
About the story the logline reads much better as it is clear who the MC is, what event starts the story and what he will do. The visual depiction of the MC could present a point of concern as a result of the gory details and could be a turn off for some producers.
They solved this quite well in Darkman:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099365/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
Further more the contradiction in values of the antagonist (pro lifers that try to kill) confuse the antagonists motivations. The MC’s actions are then diluted if the antagonists are pro lifers will they fight or negotiate?
Also exacting revenge alone is a semi selfish act and could present an obstacle for the audience to form empathy for the MC. Better for the MC to exact revenge and return the state of his or her life to better than before the inciting incident. In The Count of Monte Cristo the MC at least had riches to earn, as well as a fiance and honor to try and get back. Whether he does or doesn’t at the end makes little difference as long as these motivated him and not just other peoples suffering and pain.
See lessAfter an attack turns him half-man half-abortion, an obstetrician uses newfound abilities to exact revenge on the attackers as his inner demon threatens to become flesh and kill him.
I wouldn't necessarily worry about a 30 word count just yet. If you are using the logline as a structuring tool then 30 words is more of a guide line for keeping it short than a necessity and can go over 30 words whilst still describe a good story and well. If you have already completed the screenplRead more
I wouldn’t necessarily worry about a 30 word count just yet.
If you are using the logline as a structuring tool then 30 words is more of a guide line for keeping it short than a necessity and can go over 30 words whilst still describe a good story and well. If you have already completed the screenplay and are composing a logline for pitching purposes then best to to keep it under 30 words.
About the story the logline reads much better as it is clear who the MC is, what event starts the story and what he will do. The visual depiction of the MC could present a point of concern as a result of the gory details and could be a turn off for some producers.
They solved this quite well in Darkman:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099365/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
Further more the contradiction in values of the antagonist (pro lifers that try to kill) confuse the antagonists motivations. The MC’s actions are then diluted if the antagonists are pro lifers will they fight or negotiate?
Also exacting revenge alone is a semi selfish act and could present an obstacle for the audience to form empathy for the MC. Better for the MC to exact revenge and return the state of his or her life to better than before the inciting incident. In The Count of Monte Cristo the MC at least had riches to earn, as well as a fiance and honor to try and get back. Whether he does or doesn’t at the end makes little difference as long as these motivated him and not just other peoples suffering and pain.
See less