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When a hooker attempts to steal a wallet from a drunken john, she accidentally makes a horrific discovery — the couple is not alone in a shabby room of a love hotel.
Second DPG's and Richiev's comments. Also, am not sure what a "...drunken john..." is, if he is a drunk customer then specify that rather than name him. To that matter am not sure what a "...love hotel." is, if it is just a hotel that's often used for one night stands and solicitation, then a shabbyRead more
Second DPG’s and Richiev’s comments.
Also, am not sure what a “…drunken john…” is, if he is a drunk customer then specify that rather than name him. To that matter am not sure what a “…love hotel.” is, if it is just a hotel that’s often used for one night stands and solicitation, then a shabby room in a cheap hotel is enough to conjure up that image.
In my mind obscure descriptions are best reserved for the synopsis and brief where as the logline, in order to achieve it’s purpose, needs the most clear and commonly understood descriptions.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen a hooker attempts to steal a wallet from a drunken john, she accidentally makes a horrific discovery — the couple is not alone in a shabby room of a love hotel.
Second DPG's and Richiev's comments. Also, am not sure what a "...drunken john..." is, if he is a drunk customer then specify that rather than name him. To that matter am not sure what a "...love hotel." is, if it is just a hotel that's often used for one night stands and solicitation, then a shabbyRead more
Second DPG’s and Richiev’s comments.
Also, am not sure what a “…drunken john…” is, if he is a drunk customer then specify that rather than name him. To that matter am not sure what a “…love hotel.” is, if it is just a hotel that’s often used for one night stands and solicitation, then a shabby room in a cheap hotel is enough to conjure up that image.
In my mind obscure descriptions are best reserved for the synopsis and brief where as the logline, in order to achieve it’s purpose, needs the most clear and commonly understood descriptions.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen her prison transport plane crashes, a lawyer wrongfully accused of fraud, must avoid the FBI and escape from the vengeful husband who framed her to realize her dream.
Hi Leon This draft of the lognline is shorter but reads the same as the previous version. The MC, her position in society, her flaw, the inciting incident, the antagonist and her goals remain the same. Previous comments have outlined a problem with your inciting incident and the MC goals. Maybe tryRead more
Hi Leon
This draft of the lognline is shorter but reads the same as the previous version. The MC, her position in society, her flaw, the inciting incident, the antagonist and her goals remain the same.
Previous comments have outlined a problem with your inciting incident and the MC goals.
Maybe try experimenting with new character descriptions and different inciting incidents.
For example, according to the current draft of the logline, I think the inciting incident is the plain crash. This implies that her normal “day to day” life, before the story starts, is being a prisoner and a sudden opportunity to break for freedom changed that.
See lessWhat if her normal “day to day” life was being a lawyer and being arrested or framed is what changed that? This strait away implies she needs to fight a corrupt detective or evil ex husband to prove her innocence. This also gives her a clear and decisive goal, it even gives you an obligatory scene at the end both without needing specification in the logline.