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  1. Posted: August 23, 2014In: Public

    In order to create a replacement ?Master Vampire? after his is accidentally killed, a perfectionist thrall has 48 hours to steal and consume the blood of 100 virgins from a mobile high-school blood bank, before he and his master's other sons' powers wain, and they succumb to mortality.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on August 30, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    Yes must steal enough blood to protect his family? sounds better and yes "caretaker" or "loyal caretaker" also sounds better. But I still feel like just steeling blood whether to feed his family or himself is not compelling enough of an action to sustain my interest in this instance. The fantasy-GotRead more

    Yes must steal enough blood to protect his family? sounds better and yes “caretaker” or “loyal caretaker” also sounds better.

    But I still feel like just steeling blood whether to feed his family or himself is not compelling enough of an action to sustain my interest in this instance. The fantasy-Goth aspect of vampires aside the story is about a guy struggling to provide for his family like Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happiness. Will Smith’s character is a struggling all round good guy underdog, however your MC is a natural killer, all be it rejecting his nature but a natural killer none the less and an outlaw so in a way he’s an anti-hero.

    I think that an anti-hero struggling to provide for his family is less interesting than an anti-hero fighting a bona fide bad guy. Mostly because I can’t see the tangible goal to end the problem he has, that is “to provide for his family” or the equivalent in vampire terms “… steal enough blood to prevent his family?s death.”
    How long have they been starving for? How long can they go without blood? How many of them are there? If he gets the blood he needs now how will he feed them in a months time?

    I don’t think these questions should be answered in the logline but are inherently present after reading the current draft of it.

    I would suggest shifting the focus of the logline away from the specific form in which he provides for his family and onto an easily understood imminent threat. Perhaps in his pacifism he befriended a person that works for the blood bank who sneaks out bags of blood for him and his brother/family.

    Then after his master is killed their lives and source of food are threatened and he must fight to save them all.

    I like fantasy and horror films and think this is a nice and refreshing take on Vampire stories (un like the horrid treatment the genre got in Daybreakers and other poorly structured films) so definitely worth perusing.

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  2. Posted: August 23, 2014In: Public

    In order to create a replacement ?Master Vampire? after his is accidentally killed, a perfectionist thrall has 48 hours to steal and consume the blood of 100 virgins from a mobile high-school blood bank, before he and his master's other sons' powers wain, and they succumb to mortality.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on August 30, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    Yes must steal enough blood to protect his family? sounds better and yes "caretaker" or "loyal caretaker" also sounds better. But I still feel like just steeling blood whether to feed his family or himself is not compelling enough of an action to sustain my interest in this instance. The fantasy-GotRead more

    Yes must steal enough blood to protect his family? sounds better and yes “caretaker” or “loyal caretaker” also sounds better.

    But I still feel like just steeling blood whether to feed his family or himself is not compelling enough of an action to sustain my interest in this instance. The fantasy-Goth aspect of vampires aside the story is about a guy struggling to provide for his family like Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happiness. Will Smith’s character is a struggling all round good guy underdog, however your MC is a natural killer, all be it rejecting his nature but a natural killer none the less and an outlaw so in a way he’s an anti-hero.

    I think that an anti-hero struggling to provide for his family is less interesting than an anti-hero fighting a bona fide bad guy. Mostly because I can’t see the tangible goal to end the problem he has, that is “to provide for his family” or the equivalent in vampire terms “… steal enough blood to prevent his family?s death.”
    How long have they been starving for? How long can they go without blood? How many of them are there? If he gets the blood he needs now how will he feed them in a months time?

    I don’t think these questions should be answered in the logline but are inherently present after reading the current draft of it.

    I would suggest shifting the focus of the logline away from the specific form in which he provides for his family and onto an easily understood imminent threat. Perhaps in his pacifism he befriended a person that works for the blood bank who sneaks out bags of blood for him and his brother/family.

    Then after his master is killed their lives and source of food are threatened and he must fight to save them all.

    I like fantasy and horror films and think this is a nice and refreshing take on Vampire stories (un like the horrid treatment the genre got in Daybreakers and other poorly structured films) so definitely worth perusing.

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  3. Posted: August 27, 2014In: Public

    When a highly-strung accountant inherits a failing community TV station, he finds unlikely performance geniuses at a small town talent competition to save the station.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on August 30, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    Thanks guys great feedback. The accountant loses his job from the accountancy firm, his wife and house then his father is put in a retirement home suffering form dementia. But gets the MC to promise to keep the station running as it's the only source of entertainment for many elderly and sick peopleRead more

    Thanks guys great feedback.

    The accountant loses his job from the accountancy firm, his wife and house then his father is put in a retirement home suffering form dementia. But gets the MC to promise to keep the station running as it’s the only source of entertainment for many elderly and sick people.

    The stakes are not only financial rather include losing a valuable community service for the aging population and long term illness sufferers.

    I think (according to the comments above) the logline needs to shift its focus to the main action of saving the TV station rather than the specific mechanism by which this will be achieved.

    Latest draft:
    After failing to uphold his dying father?s wish to keep his community TV station broadcasting to its loyal elderly audience. A highly-strung former accountant on the verge of bankruptcy must stop the station from being converted into a home shopping broadcaster by the head of a major TV network.

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