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1999. Reception lounges are dying. After six years banishment, a CBD event manager reluctantly returns to work in The Palace, his old man?s Greek reception lounge in the suburbs, on their biggest wedding ever, and he will save his family from financial ruin and shame? If his father will just let him.
Agree on all points with alexmoreno; in fact I couldn't quite put my finger on what wasn't working until I read his response!
Agree on all points with alexmoreno; in fact I couldn’t quite put my finger on what wasn’t working until I read his response!
See lessWhen a wealthy benefactor gets insulted by a homophobic employee, she threatens to close down a community-center unless the culprit agrees to coach her son's team of misfits- a gay soccer team.
The irony feels a little forced; do homosexual-only sports teams exist? How old is her son? What makes the homophobic employee suitable to coach this soccer team? (As in, what benefit does the benefactor and the team get by coercing the homophobe to coach the team?) Who is the protagonist? The benefRead more
The irony feels a little forced; do homosexual-only sports teams exist? How old is her son?
What makes the homophobic employee suitable to coach this soccer team? (As in, what benefit does the benefactor and the team get by coercing the homophobe to coach the team?)
Who is the protagonist? The benefactor or the homophobe?
See lessOn the run from a determined street enforcer, a young Londoner will do anything and everything to avoid capture but the enforcer has pledged to kill himself in the event of failure.
Still feeling slightly muddled; the focus shifts from the enforcer to the young londoner and back to enforcer. It just doesn't "flow" as nice as one would hope. I'm not certain WHO your story is about. Also, the way you've described the "young Londoner" ... makes it sound like it could be any teen-tRead more
Still feeling slightly muddled; the focus shifts from the enforcer to the young londoner and back to enforcer. It just doesn’t “flow” as nice as one would hope. I’m not certain WHO your story is about.
Also, the way you’ve described the “young Londoner” … makes it sound like it could be any teen-to-twenty-year-old in London. As in, it sounds like you’re saying “When being chased by a determined street enforcer, just about anyone in the world will do anything to avoid capture.” It sounds like a general statement, not like you’re describing the actions of a specific character. As a follow on effect from this (the young Londoner being vaguely painted) it sounds like the protagonist of your story is the enforcer. I may be wrong, but isn’t your intent to make the young Londoner evading capture the protagonist?
The inclusion of the fact that the enforcer pledged to commit suicide in the event that he fails to kill his mark is superfluous, because (although interesting), the stakes don’t relate in any way to the goals or conflicts of the young Londoner.
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