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Desperate for his father?s approval, a conceited journalist takes a job at his small town newspaper. But when he discovers a drug scandal brewing within the local football club, he pursues the story even though it will implicate his athlete brother.
Thanks for the feedback Tony. Just to clarify, this logline is one I wrote - Michael was just commenting that he feels feedback on the logline shouldn't include changes to the plot or structure of the film. I actually don't mind it, as I'm using the logline to ensure the story is as tight as can beRead more
Thanks for the feedback Tony. Just to clarify, this logline is one I wrote – Michael was just commenting that he feels feedback on the logline shouldn’t include changes to the plot or structure of the film. I actually don’t mind it, as I’m using the logline to ensure the story is as tight as can be before writing it, so any suggested changes that need to happen at a story level are appreciated.
Points taken on the unsympathetic character – I actually want him to reveal himself to be a pretty shitty human being as the story progresses. But I think you’re right that for the logline I need to stress the desire for fatherly affection is what prompts him to throw his brother under the bus, so to speak.
See less"A reckless cop suspects his clean cut partner is actually an off duty vigilante. Upon investigation he discovers his partner is part of a bigger conspiracy and question his own morales by bringing his partner to justice"
Yeah, I think we're all guilty of writing loglines that are too long ... but that's kind of the point of this site, right? We put up a draft, we get feedback on what works and what doesn't, then we resubmit it? Try and whittle it down to the absolutely essential, most primal version of your core conRead more
Yeah, I think we’re all guilty of writing loglines that are too long … but that’s kind of the point of this site, right? We put up a draft, we get feedback on what works and what doesn’t, then we resubmit it? Try and whittle it down to the absolutely essential, most primal version of your core concept?
Point taken on genre specific wording. I get what you were trying to do there. I’d actually probably switch back to loose-cannon now that I know.
As far as writing cliche – I don’t know whether you have or you haven’t. But if you were trying to sell ME this film (to clarify, I’m an amateur writer in Sydney, I couldn’t help you make the movie if I wanted to) I would listen to this logline and think “meh, I’ve seen it before. Cop finds out that everyone is corrupt, got to bring down the whole system.”
All I can try to do is give you my honest feedback, so that hopefully once you receive a wide enough series of responses, you can decide what DOES and DOESN’T work about your logline (and perhaps story?)
Regarding the revision:
See lessWhat is the bulk of the action going to consist if in this story? Questioning your morals … what does that look like, on screen? What’s the outer goal, specifically? I still can’t really see your film.
"A reckless cop suspects his clean cut partner is actually an off duty vigilante. Upon investigation he discovers his partner is part of a bigger conspiracy and question his own morales by bringing his partner to justice"
Lose the "Who can you trust" opener - in loglines you're going for brevity, and this just wastes your word count. Likewise, drop the character's name. More important if the character flaw ... which I assume is his "loose-cannon-ness". So perhaps we could trim that to reckless? What is the event thatRead more
Lose the “Who can you trust” opener – in loglines you’re going for brevity, and this just wastes your word count. Likewise, drop the character’s name. More important if the character flaw … which I assume is his “loose-cannon-ness”. So perhaps we could trim that to reckless?
What is the event that causes him to suspect his partner double shifts as a vigilante? I’m gonna guess that this is what kicks the whole thing off. Once he finds out – this would be when he follows a trail of clues to discover the conspiracy that goes all the way to the top?
That looks a little more like “After (his partner accidentally reveals himself to be a vigilante), a reckless detective …” does something. I don’t know what. Your logline isn’t clear. What is the action that he takes from this point on, and who is trying to stop him?
What’s fresh or new about this idea? I’ve seen the film a million times before. Is it the fact that his partner doubles as a vigilante, because that’s the only new spin I can see (and even that is pretty tired after the Batman franchise). If it is, you need to make it a more prominent part of the logline.
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