1. Posted: November 21, 2012In:

    When a privileged na?ve young woman is attacked by an enraged lunatic accusing her of assassinating his wife, her sheltered world comes crashing down around her with the possibility he may be right.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai

    Hey Paul - sounds like her goal is nice and primal. Survive long enough to clear her name. I'd also include whatever character flaw she must eventually overcome to complete her goal as the adjective. Finally, whatever you do, include the goal and the stakes. These are what your story is about - charRead more

    Hey Paul – sounds like her goal is nice and primal. Survive long enough to clear her name.
    I’d also include whatever character flaw she must eventually overcome to complete her goal as the adjective.
    Finally, whatever you do, include the goal and the stakes. These are what your story is about – character a wants x, and this is what happens if they fail.

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  2. Posted: September 19, 2012In:

    President Hauter has to choose ? use illegal methods to ensure continued peace and stability in her region, or stand by and allow women and infants? lives be endangered. After the Zero Birth Years, scientists designed artificial wombs and solved the crisis of global infertility. Now a company has developed hormonal treatments that have jolted five women into fertility and potential motherhood. And they're running a competition to see if one of them can survive pregnancy and childbirth.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai

    Hey guys, I agree mostly with what has been said above, although I think Jim's logline is too vague to work. It only really suggests an inciting incident. Regarding the original logline - who is the protagonist? What is their goal, and what happens if they fail? You've already got your hook, and it'Read more

    Hey guys, I agree mostly with what has been said above, although I think Jim’s logline is too vague to work. It only really suggests an inciting incident.

    Regarding the original logline – who is the protagonist? What is their goal, and what happens if they fail? You’ve already got your hook, and it’s a neat one, but you need to nail down the other essential components first.

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  3. Posted: September 19, 2012In:

    An ostracized rookie desperate to prove himself takes up Parkour in order to infiltrate a gang of jewellery thieves, but falls in love with their charismatic leader.

    Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai

    Thanks for your thoughts Andrew. I used the term rookie because it's connotation ties it to the police force. He's a young cop, desperate to prove himself. Which explains the infiltration. Young cop work better, or would that sound worse? Also, the fact that he's lonely or ostracized really NEEDS toRead more

    Thanks for your thoughts Andrew.

    I used the term rookie because it’s connotation ties it to the police force. He’s a young cop, desperate to prove himself. Which explains the infiltration. Young cop work better, or would that sound worse?

    Also, the fact that he’s lonely or ostracized really NEEDS to be his flaw, because it’s the family he gains in the criminal gang that cause him the moral dilemma. He’s lived in a very tight, structured system his whole life, and feels very alone, but then finds acceptance outside that same system. Being good at parkour is not the crisis, choosing what side of the law he falls on is.

    With that knowledge – thoughts on what I’m doing wrong with this logline?

    Cheers

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