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When a spaceship transporting colonists on a 90 year journey to a distant planet malfunctions causing a passenger to awaken from hibernation early, he must find a way to resume hibernation or die of old age.
How about: When a passenger?on a 90-year space journey wakes up from hibernation because of a malfunction, he must repair the ship?to resume hibernation, or die of old age. (30 words) It's shorter, and I find the structure is clearer with the protag upfront. I can instantly see a major story flaw: TRead more
How about:
When a passenger?on a 90-year space journey wakes up from hibernation because of a malfunction, he must repair the ship?to resume hibernation, or die of old age. (30 words)
It’s shorter, and I find the structure is clearer with the protag upfront.
I can instantly see a major story flaw:
The passenger only shortens his life by the time it takes to repair. Even if the repair takes a year, he’ll only shave off one year of his life. So the ‘die of old age’ is not really high stakes, in the sense that there’s no strong ticking clock.
Did the movie work for you?
See lessWhen career tramps, a yachtsman and an ex-actress team up swindling the jet set, revenge threatens when his ex-wife arrives working undercover for the IRS
Because you have 3 mains characters, it takes an awful lot of word space before we make it to?the inciting incident. And it doesn't contribute to?much tension/anticipation. The sentence structure suggests the yachtsman is the main character, so leave out the other 'main characters'. Rework the logliRead more
Because you have 3 mains characters, it takes an awful lot of word space before we make it to?the inciting incident. And it doesn’t contribute to?much tension/anticipation.
The sentence structure suggests the yachtsman is the main character, so leave out the other ‘main characters’.
Rework the logline?following the advice on this site: “When his ex-wife IRS agent threatens to stop him from swindling the jet set, a yachtsman must …”
You see, we need to have that goal DPG was talking about.
Also, I’d like to have a little more detail about the yachtsman.
I hope this helps!
See lessYOKO – Based on true events – Told from Japanese artist Yoko Ono’s perspective – The story of how she and Megastar John Lennon fell in love in 1966 and the incredibly powerful forces that tried to tear them apart.
It's an interesting premise, and a movie that could work. But the logline is not written in accordance with the structure we use on this site. So it's hard to say if the story would work in its own right. Films like this attract attention because of the celebrity factor, and may work for that reasonRead more
It’s an interesting premise, and a movie that could work. But the logline is not written in accordance with the structure we use on this site. So it’s hard to say if the story would work in its own right.
Films like this attract attention because of the celebrity factor, and may work for that reason. But the the ‘powerful forces’ are faceless in this logline, so it is hard to visualise how this will play out, without?knowing the story of John & Yoko already.
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