1. Posted: August 4, 2016In:

    A struggling college student, plagued by his current state of being, discovers a device called the “God Helmet” and becomes the test subject for his Professor’s experiment.

    Karel Segers Samurai

    A struggling college student, plagued by his current state of being, - This is the description of the student's psychology, but it doesn't tell us much about what exactly his condition is. Is he lacking self-esteem? Is he anxious? The description here is awfully vague. discovers a device called theRead more

    A struggling college student, plagued by his current state of being,
    – This is the description of the student’s psychology, but it doesn’t tell us much about what exactly his condition is. Is he lacking self-esteem? Is he anxious? The description here is awfully vague.
    discovers a device called the ?God Helmet?
    – This is the story’s inciting incident, or ‘call to adventure’. If you want to imply that he becomes omnipotent, then you can even keep it shorter and write “discovers a ‘god helmet’.
    and becomes the test subject for his Professor?s experiment.
    – At this stage, we are expecting for the student to RESPOND to this discovery, and DO some ACTION for the rest of the movie. Instead, he becomes passive, and the professor is driving the story. Or else, his becoming the test subject is another Inciting Incident, and we need to know how the student will respond to this.

    I don’t see any material for a second act. Therefore, sadly, I don’t see a story (yet).

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: June 16, 2016In:

    When execs threaten to cancel his show by season’s end, a hopeless paranormal investigator invites a clueless celebrity cast for the final episode to restore interest in his show.

    Karel Segers Samurai

    Hey Ethan,I don't think 'threaten to cancel' is strong enough a catalyst. Also 'execs' sounds anonymous, not cinematic.Can you make 'to restore interest in his show' more specific and?appealing? Why would anyone go see a movie that's just about a TV host trying to get his (old) audience back?And 'clRead more

    Hey Ethan,

    I don’t think ‘threaten to cancel’ is strong enough a catalyst. Also ‘execs’ sounds anonymous, not cinematic.

    Can you make ‘to restore interest in his show’ more specific and?appealing? Why would anyone go see a movie that’s just about a TV host trying to get his (old) audience back?

    And ‘clueless celebrity’ doesn’t promise me anything unique or exciting. Aren’t most TV celebrities pretty clueless? Perhaps that’s me being biased…

    When I read your logline, it feels as if the?second act is going to be a lot of TV footage where a celebrity is being stupid. Can you sustain this for an hour?

    Not convinced…

    ?

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: June 14, 2016In:

    When an attention seeking YouTube prankster is scammed by a car salesman he enlists the salesman?s captivating assistant to help seek compensation but her unorthodox methods and pranking involvement becomes creepy.

    Karel Segers Samurai

    Hey Wayne, I really like your main character "an attention seeking YouTube prankster"! I would place a comma after 'car salesman'. What do you mean by 'captivating assistant'? Is she a stunner? May not be relevant to the story... 'To help seek compensation' sounds a bit mundane... Revenge? Think cinRead more

    Hey Wayne, I really like your main character “an attention seeking YouTube prankster”!
    I would place a comma after ‘car salesman’.
    What do you mean by ‘captivating assistant’? Is she a stunner? May not be relevant to the story…
    ‘To help seek compensation’ sounds a bit mundane… Revenge? Think cinematic! Increase the stakes.
    Up to this point, if sounds like we only have one act. Then you say “but her unorthodox methods and pranking involvement becomes creepy.”
    This is vague, and it seems like the hero has become fairly passive. Also, ‘becomes creepy’ is not really an action or plot point. To me, there’s not a lot of story past Act One.

    Looking forward to seeing your next draft of the logline.
    (Please post it here in the thread, rather than as a new logline post, this way we can follow the improvements and the comments)

    I think you’re on track for a story that will grab our attention. Just be clearer, and more specific. Also, give us a visual, goal-driven Act Two!

     

    See less
    • 0