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  1. Posted: August 15, 2012In: Public

    Grace cannot stop counting things. It has cost her her job as a teacher and shut her off from the rest of the world. But meeting Seamus opens up the possibility of a normal life. Unfortunately becoming normal is a lot harder than Grace thought.

    patrockable
    Added an answer on August 28, 2012 at 11:40 pm

    We have a main character, her profession and an interesting flaw. I'm getting an "As good as it gets" vibe, but with the girl having the OCD. But, I agree with Karel, what's the story? What is her clear obtainable goal, and what is stopping her from achieving it?

    We have a main character, her profession and an interesting flaw. I’m getting an “As good as it gets” vibe, but with the girl having the OCD.

    But, I agree with Karel, what’s the story? What is her clear obtainable goal, and what is stopping her from achieving it?

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  2. Posted: August 15, 2012In: Public

    – Ten-year-old Arkie?s quest to find her friend Blister takes her into a strange and beautiful world, in which she must overcome her darkest fears in order to save him and fulfil her destiny

    patrockable
    Added an answer on August 28, 2012 at 11:33 pm

    Although I can't be certain, I'm sensing an "Avatar the Last Airbender" vibe (the television show, I refuse to acknowledge the movie exists) which is great. Like avatar, the protagonist is ten, and the names have that cutesy anime feel. However, I agree with the others, you must cut out vague phraseRead more

    Although I can’t be certain, I’m sensing an “Avatar the Last Airbender” vibe (the television show, I refuse to acknowledge the movie exists) which is great. Like avatar, the protagonist is ten, and the names have that cutesy anime feel.

    However, I agree with the others, you must cut out vague phrases like “a strange and beautiful world”, and “overcome her darkest fears” and “fulfil her destiny”, and replace them with specifics like:

    – the main character’s strength, flaw and occupation
    – what kind of world she travels to
    – what’s stopping the main character from achieving her outer goal (to save her friend Blister)

    If it is indeed an anime movie, providing these specifics will make it clearer to the reader.

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  3. Posted: August 15, 2012In: Public

    The transformation of Angelo d?Angelo, a New York hit man who is unwittingly embraced into the bosom of a simple, rural Australian community. For the first time, Angelo learns that love and family are just as effective as any weapon he?s ever known

    patrockable
    Added an answer on August 17, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    Like it. Your have a strong main character with a cool name, and you emphasize an intriguing inner journey. But what's the outer journey? What is your main character's achievable goal, and what stops him from getting it? Focus on this, because it's what readers care about: a good story! Also, descriRead more

    Like it.

    Your have a strong main character with a cool name, and you emphasize an intriguing inner journey.

    But what’s the outer journey? What is your main character’s achievable goal, and what stops him from getting it? Focus on this, because it’s what readers care about: a good story!

    Also, describing love and family as an effective weapon could be misinterpreted as, “he starts blackmailing bushies, by threatening their loved ones/family.”

    And don’t use “bosom”. It adds nothing to the story, and makes every male under the age of thirty snigger while reading it. 🙂

    – Patrockable, Judge

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