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A gifted geneticist perfects the formula for increasing intelligence, but using it on his gorgeous but not so gifted wife he creates a cynical tyrant and his only competition for the Nobel Prize.
Ha, yea it took me a moment to work out what MC was. But I'm glad you like it, and you both make some valuable points. I think tyrant is the wrong word. Cynical is good. She would lose her carefree happy ways. To be honest, I just came up with this one on the fly. I was really thinking about the relRead more
Ha, yea it took me a moment to work out what MC was. But I’m glad you like it, and you both make some valuable points.
I think tyrant is the wrong word. Cynical is good. She would lose her carefree happy ways.
To be honest, I just came up with this one on the fly. I was really thinking about the relationship dynamic, and only added the Nobel Prize part at the last minute to give him and external goal. But I think that would really work. Shows how much use a logline can be.
And yes, I thought him giving her the formula would be the inciting incident. But again that shows up a problem, as the inciting incident should happen TO the protagonist, not something he chooses to do. So maybe the II is simply him accidentally discovering the formula. Maybe it was designed to do something else, and like a lot of great scientific discoveries, it has a side effect that is more useful. He would then consider giving it to her, and ultimately act 1 would end with him deciding to try it on her. It’s amazing how much structure can come from one sentence.
Thanks guys.
See less"A disgraced father takes the helm of a dysfunctional baseball team controlled by overbearing parents and attempts to lead them against the cross-town rivals in the city championship."
It has the makings of a good story, but lacks a real hook to make me want to read more. Kind of sounds like something we've seen before. Hardball, staring Keanu Reeves springs to mind. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, you just need something to differentiate it from the rest. Make it memorabRead more
It has the makings of a good story, but lacks a real hook to make me want to read more. Kind of sounds like something we’ve seen before. Hardball, staring Keanu Reeves springs to mind. Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing, you just need something to differentiate it from the rest. Make it memorable.
I’m more interested in why the father is dysfunctional, and why he’s coaching the team. I think that would be more important information than the cross-town rivals, the city championship, or even the overbearing parents. Unless the dysfunction was ironically linked to overbearing parents. Are they the ones that shamed him? Made him the coach against his will?
Wanting to win the championship is a nice visible external goal, but it’s obvious. You can assume anyone coaching a team wants them to win. But why is it important for them to win? How does that help him? What does he have at stake if he loses? I think that’s the key to your story.
See lessShaming his family whilst alive is nothing compared to what they have to overcome now that Lee's dead and unwed.
This just doesn't tell us enough about the story. I have no idea what it's about. And Lee appears to be the protagonist, but he's dead? Is this a supernatural thriller? It's just not clear enough. Who's story is it? What do they want? and what does being unwed have to do with it?
This just doesn’t tell us enough about the story. I have no idea what it’s about.
And Lee appears to be the protagonist, but he’s dead?
Is this a supernatural thriller? It’s just not clear enough.
Who’s story is it? What do they want? and what does being unwed have to do with it?
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