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Challenged by a misunderstood gang member who has become a bad influence at their school, a high school freshman pastor strives to remind him the importance of giving the lord a chance with the risk of being a target of the gang member.
You also might not need "at their school," since you mention the antagonist is a high school pastor we will assume his bad influence is at the school. Slightly shorter version without changing what your wrote too much. "Challenged by a misunderstood gang member who has become a bad influence, a highRead more
You also might not need “at their school,” since you mention the antagonist is a high school pastor we will assume his bad influence is at the school.
Slightly shorter version without changing what your wrote too much.
“Challenged by a misunderstood gang member who has become a bad influence, a high school pastor strives to remind him the importance of giving the lord a chance with the risk of becoming his target.”
See lessChallenged by a misunderstood gang member who has become a bad influence at their school, a high school freshman pastor strives to remind him the importance of giving the lord a chance with the risk of being a target of the gang member.
Now everything is there. If at some point, if you decide to shorten it. I would end with, "with the risk of becoming 'his' target." and get rid of the end "Of the gang member" (That also eliminates using the word gang twice) I am not sure "freshman" is needed unless it is important to the story. ButRead more
Now everything is there.
If at some point, if you decide to shorten it. I would end with, “with the risk of becoming ‘his’ target.” and get rid of the end “Of the gang member” (That also eliminates using the word gang twice)
I am not sure “freshman” is needed unless it is important to the story.
But overall this is the best version you have done, Good job, I like it.
See lessChallenged by a misunderstood gang member who has become a bad influence at their school, a high school freshman pastor strives to remind him the importance of giving the lord a chance.
This logline is much better than the first attempt and I think it's a great idea for a movie. I'm worried your logline still doesn't have an "or else" The lead must do this 'or else' this bad thing will happen. But your logline does have, the lead, his goal and an Idea of what the conflict will be.
This logline is much better than the first attempt and I think it’s a great idea for a movie.
I’m worried your logline still doesn’t have an “or else”
The lead must do this ‘or else’ this bad thing will happen.
But your logline does have, the lead, his goal and an Idea of what the conflict will be.
See less