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A group of high school students are transported to a castle when a promise is broken with a agent from hell. The Students must find a way out while defending themselves against many strange and deadly creatures.
I believe as written, your language is too generic to properly captivate the reader. What will help is specifics 1) A group of high school students--This is as generic as it gets. First you need a lead character, however even if you decide it should be a group, be more specific, A group of high schoRead more
I believe as written, your language is too generic to properly captivate the reader.
What will help is specifics
1) A group of high school students–This is as generic as it gets. First you need a lead character, however even if you decide it should be a group, be more specific, A group of high school football players, a group of high school mathletes, for instance.
2) are transported to a castle– A castle? A medieval castle, an English castle, a dark and scary castle. Is the castle on earth or in a different dimension?
3) when a promise is broken –What promise?
4) with a agent from hell.– An imp? a powerful demon? The devil in disguise?
5) The Students must find a way out– If the agent-from-hell can transport them to a castle, how is escaping going to help? He can just re-transport them. This seems like a flaw.
6) while defending themselves against many strange and deadly creatures–This isn’t too bad, in fact I would just cut the strange part, it isn’t needed “While defending themselves against the castles deadly creatures”
Remember this is what first drafts are for, to give a foundation that will be re-written and improved.
If you can be a little more descriptive and specific I believe your next draft of this logline will properly reflect your story in an interesting way.
Hope that helped, Good luck with this!
See lessA group of high school students are transported to a castle when a promise is broken with a agent from hell. The Students must find a way out while defending themselves against many strange and deadly creatures.
I believe as written, your language is too generic to properly captivate the reader. What will help is specifics 1) A group of high school students--This is as generic as it gets. First you need a lead character, however even if you decide it should be a group, be more specific, A group of high schoRead more
I believe as written, your language is too generic to properly captivate the reader.
What will help is specifics
1) A group of high school students–This is as generic as it gets. First you need a lead character, however even if you decide it should be a group, be more specific, A group of high school football players, a group of high school mathletes, for instance.
2) are transported to a castle– A castle? A medieval castle, an English castle, a dark and scary castle. Is the castle on earth or in a different dimension?
3) when a promise is broken –What promise?
4) with a agent from hell.– An imp? a powerful demon? The devil in disguise?
5) The Students must find a way out– If the agent-from-hell can transport them to a castle, how is escaping going to help? He can just re-transport them. This seems like a flaw.
6) while defending themselves against many strange and deadly creatures–This isn’t too bad, in fact I would just cut the strange part, it isn’t needed “While defending themselves against the castles deadly creatures”
Remember this is what first drafts are for, to give a foundation that will be re-written and improved.
If you can be a little more descriptive and specific I believe your next draft of this logline will properly reflect your story in an interesting way.
Hope that helped, Good luck with this!
See lessA group of friends on a camping trip have a chance encounter with an alien species and must keep them from finding out that the planet they intend to destroy is the one that they have accidentally crash landed on.
As for the logline: 1) A group of friends--Doesn't really tell us anything about the lead character, too generic. 2) on a camping trip-- Isn't needed, you can drop this. 3) have a chance encounter with an alien species--Drop "Chance" Isn't needed. 4) and must keep them from finding out that the planRead more
As for the logline:
1) A group of friends–Doesn’t really tell us anything about the lead character, too generic.
2) on a camping trip– Isn’t needed, you can drop this.
3) have a chance encounter with an alien species–Drop “Chance” Isn’t needed.
4) and must keep them from finding out that the planet they intend to destroy is the one that they have accidentally crash landed on–This is the meat of your logline. (Also, you don’t need to say ‘accidentally’ crashed)
See less—–
“When a lonely science geek and his friends encounter hostile but confused aliens who’ve crashed landed, the group must deceive the aliens into believing this isn’t the planet they’re intending to destroy.”
—–
Not sure how they’re going to do that, but good luck with this!