1. Posted: April 25, 2019In:

    During a harsh winter, a frontiersman with a violent past must protect the family he?s taking refuge with from an unscrupulous company that wants their land.

    Robb Ross Samurai

    Agree about the winter (and that history is new to me). The rest sounds plain or derivative.Yes, make the antag a person and state his actions (if the story remains as is).

    Agree about the winter (and that history is new to me). The rest sounds plain or derivative.

    Yes, make the antag a person and state his actions (if the story remains as is).

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  2. Posted: April 22, 2019In:

    When her adopted brother threatens a hostile takeover of the family business, a resentful cyborg must come out of hiding to stop him.

    Robb Ross Samurai

    Oops, saying more about her includes her humanity. Like, "After being enhanced (as above, the robot part), a (the human part)..."

    Oops, saying more about her includes her humanity. Like, “After being enhanced (as above, the robot part), a (the human part)…“

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  3. Posted: April 22, 2019In:

    When her adopted brother threatens a hostile takeover of the family business, a resentful cyborg must come out of hiding to stop him.

    Robb Ross Samurai

    Getting there...Seems the cyborg's motivation would be to kill the brother for his involvement in the procedure and to capture the tech and data that can produce more of her. That usually means starting with one objective and then things escalate. But if he was involved, why? Why experiment on her aRead more

    Getting there…

    Seems the cyborg’s motivation would be to kill the brother for his involvement in the procedure and to capture the tech and data that can produce more of her. That usually means starting with one objective and then things escalate. But if he was involved, why? Why experiment on her and create an opponent to his plan? If there is no such connection, then the setup sounds soft.

    Or does the cyborg want control of the company? If yes, why?

    At least hint to stakes beyond the cyborg’s life as it’s not clear if the brother has a sinister plan for the company.

    The story comes off as a simple actioneer so is there more to it, like a conspiracy?

    Say more about her. After being enhanced against her will with x (a specific ability or general description that covers a few), a cyborg…

    “Resentful” is redundant.

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