I think you’re assuming too much about what the audience can make sense of.? I don’t feel like I understand “raided memories” and “fabricate a succession rite inside his mind” enough.? Based on your previous logline, I know “raided memories” is probably “memories stolen from people, for profit”, but you can’t assume someone will get that from the logline.? And that whole thing about fabricating a succession rite inside the patriarch’s mind… it sounds like you’re having the patriarch thinking hard about something that is supposed to thwart or appease the son (I guess?), but I have no idea what that is like, and I’m not sure why I care about it.? It might look cool, I guess, with dream sequences or a spooky ritual, but, that’s probably not going to make many people more interested in your film.? I’d stay focused on clarifying the plot, although I admire your sense of artistry.? You’d probably make a kick-ass dungeon master at a D&D game.

Another thing that’s important… this logline doesn’t give us reason to care about anyone.? It sounds like the rebellious son (who sounds a bit whiny/self-entitled) is not the protagonist.? The patriarch is.? So why do we care about this patriarch?? Sounds like not a nice guy, selling off memories that don’t belong to him.? Give me a reason why we don’t want to see some victim, chock full of memories, fight back and burn his whole operation to the ground?? Typically that’s what I’d expect to happen with such a premise, and there’s plenty you can do with the information contained in a memory.? You have work to do if you want the audience to be rooting for the kingpin.

Looking at the IMDB summary:

When two kids find and play a magical board game, they release a man trapped in it for decades–and a host of dangers that can only be stopped by finishing the game.

… I think “magical” makes more sense than mysterious.? Mysterious just seems like a “ghost story at the campfire” type of word, especially after the protagonist has 26 years of experience with it, it’s not really a mystery anymore.? And “decades” is simpler and just as effective as 26 years.

The thing I’m having the most problem with yours is “his fellow players”.? It seems like just a throw-in, and you don’t explain anything about who they are or why we care about them.

I didn’t think mentioning “pulled back into the real world” is necessary.? The idea of “freeing” or “releasing” someone from an object kind of implies? that.? When you release a genie from a lamp, you’d assume they’re no longer stuck in the lamp.? It’s not quite the same with a “jungle in a game”, but, to be free of it generally means “our world”, I think.

I like the dice roll explanation… I don’t think it’s necessary and sounds unnecessarily specific, but it does add some information that I think might interest a reader.? And I think returning to childhood also would add interest.

I’d try to say something like:

When two kids free a man from the magical board game that trapped him in a jungle for decades,? they must finish the game, surviving the dangers that appear on every dice-roll, so he can return to his childhood.