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When the megalomaniac magnate of a memory-erasing mafia refuses to name any of his bellicose triplets as successor, they race against each other to expose the memories he erased before the mafia erases theirs.
I agree with Mike that this is a mouthful and it takes too long to digest.? Loglines are all about understanding what's great about your story in a quick glance. I disagree with the need to explain how the memories are exposed.? Seems like an unnecessary detail that doesn't fit in a logline. The maiRead more
I agree with Mike that this is a mouthful and it takes too long to digest.? Loglines are all about understanding what’s great about your story in a quick glance.
I disagree with the need to explain how the memories are exposed.? Seems like an unnecessary detail that doesn’t fit in a logline.
The main issue I had with the logline is that we don’t have a sense of why the triplets are so vengeful.? You won’t name us?? Oh yeah?? Then we’ll burn this whole friggin’ house down!? Eh… that’s not very convincing.? And also, you’re not leveraging there being three potential heirs.? It seems more interesting and clear if it’s just one heir, who was expecting it all, and it gets taken away.? I do agree either way that having a clear protagonist would help.
About the triplets, and the potential memory-erasing of them… I really do like one of Mike’s ideas, about it being an official competition.? What if the magnate didn’t want to name any of them to be an heir, because they’d just end up fighting each other over it, but then agrees, okay, one of you want the throne?? Then you agree if you lose this competition, your memory gets wiped, so the winner doesn’t have to worry about you.? The memory getting wiped is a little unclear though.? Maybe replaced… so they remember they were never destined for succession because of some rule/situation they supposedly remember existing.
See lessWhen his devout daughter is possessed by the spirits of two revengeful children in order to exact revenge on their remorseless nurse, an accused and suspended priest must pull himself together and exorcise her before she kills the nurse- who happens to be his wife.
I'm honestly not getting much intrigue out of your explanation about why the children are angry.? I think the priest being "suspended" in some way is interesting.? And him trying to expunge the spirits from his daughter before they kill his wife is interesting.? I think this would make for a very clRead more
I’m honestly not getting much intrigue out of your explanation about why the children are angry.? I think the priest being “suspended” in some way is interesting.? And him trying to expunge the spirits from his daughter before they kill his wife is interesting.? I think this would make for a very clean logline too:
A disgraced priest must exorcise vengeful spirits from his daughter before she kills his wife.
Definitely see if others agree and disagree with me, however, before taking my advice.
See less?After a botched clinical trial, an out of work sketch artist with synesthesia begins to see through time, which leads to a turbulent partnership with an alcoholic Private Investigator to help solve existing crimes and prevent new ones.? A 1 Hour Drama ? Title ?Savant? or ?Seer? , TBD.
I think the "botched clinical trial" works very well for a destitute man, just trying to earn the $15 or whatever for participating so he can eat.? I agree with not excluding taste and smell.? Maybe mention "his five senses" instead of listing them.? I guess maybe the only thing that's missing fromRead more
I think the “botched clinical trial” works very well for a destitute man, just trying to earn the $15 or whatever for participating so he can eat.? I agree with not excluding taste and smell.? Maybe mention “his five senses” instead of listing them.? I guess maybe the only thing that’s missing from this logline is… where is the conflict/danger?? Sounds like something good happens out of bad, and we just watch him do great things with it.? I honestly don’t know if it would help because you probably have enough of a hook, but I think it’s worth considering what you might tweak if you wanted to add that.
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