1. Posted: October 22, 2019In:

    When she starts being tormented by an evil force,? a business woman must seek help from her husband after he is committed to a psychiatric hospital for trying to open her third eye.

    Best Answer
    Scott Danzig Samurai

    The biggest issue I have with this is... I can't tell if there's a relationship between the evil force and this third eye business.? What does the husband do?? Is he a psychic like Richiev thought, or maybe some sort of occult researcher?? Is he an archaeologist who adventured and brought home a curRead more

    The biggest issue I have with this is… I can’t tell if there’s a relationship between the evil force and this third eye business.? What does the husband do?? Is he a psychic like Richiev thought, or maybe some sort of occult researcher?? Is he an archaeologist who adventured and brought home a cursed artifact then gone mad?? I think that last suggestion sounds like the best hook to me.? It’s always fun and dramatic to go to the crazy guy for help.

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  2. Posted: October 21, 2019In:

    When Josh receives a mysterious phone call from the hospital by his estranged son, he must decide whether to sign a medical agreement that will alter his child?s life forever.

    Scott Danzig Samurai

    The main issue I have with this is that there doesn't seem to be much of a story here.? I take it that the estranged son is in a coma, and... maybe a singer's vocal cords are cancerous, and it's a choice between chemo and surgical removal.? A decision is made, and they just deal with it.? Probably mRead more

    The main issue I have with this is that there doesn’t seem to be much of a story here.? I take it that the estranged son is in a coma, and… maybe a singer’s vocal cords are cancerous, and it’s a choice between chemo and surgical removal.? A decision is made, and they just deal with it.? Probably more interesting is if the son is awake, but underage and the homeless son wants some sort of gender-reassignment or something else that may require adult approval.? I’m reaching here… but, if the parent would normally never accept that, but wants to convince the son to come home, maybe there’s some plotline that helps that along.? But as it’s written now, I’m not getting much.

    It’s bad to put unknown names like “Josh” in loglines because using a combination of adjective and noun tells us more about the character.

    Mysterious also doesn’t tell us much… only that it’s less informative than it could be.? I’d be more precise with that.? Was it just an unexpected call?? Was it a confusing/puzzling call?? Mysterious might be the best option but it’s worth considering if there’s a better word.

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  3. Posted: October 21, 2019In:

    When his fianc?e falls seriously ill, a brilliant and tortured scientist goes on a dangerous quest to find the revolutionary invention that would save her. But the feeling of being manipulated by mysterious people since childhood is becoming more and more real.

    Scott Danzig Samurai

    The first sentence is almost a solid logline on its own, but there isn't a real hook there -- at least not one that would get me excited.? The second sentence looks like it's meant to add that hook in, and I appreciate that.? The main issue I have is that it's not tied in with the first sentence, whRead more

    The first sentence is almost a solid logline on its own, but there isn’t a real hook there — at least not one that would get me excited.? The second sentence looks like it’s meant to add that hook in, and I appreciate that.? The main issue I have is that it’s not tied in with the first sentence, which is the main plot/story.? I think it’s not so necessary to describe the scientist as brilliant.? He’s dealing with revolutionary inventions, so we can assume that.? He’s also probably tortured, having a seriously ill wife that he desperately needs an invention for.? I’d try to replace those adjectives with something that relates, or maybe replaces the second sentence.? What is it about the scientist that make these mysterious people reach out to him?? Can you at least hint at that with a new adjective?? You might also get more room taking out “dangerous quest”.? Actually, I’m betting “dangerous quest” has something to do with that second sentence, since just trying to invent things isn’t inherently dangerous.? At least expanding on what this quest is all about might explain how the mysterious people tie in.

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